Soul Searching

That's it. I've caved. I know, I said I would wait until after exams, but I can't handle it. I've had so much on my mind, I need to write it all down.

I've been doing alot of reflecting these past couple of weeks. Life is really beginning to start for me and I feel very excited but scared all at once.

I have one more year of my undergrad and I am completely psyched as to how fast time has flown since I started my degree back in September 2008.

I remember at 15, I thought I had life all figured out. I really and truly thought I knew who I was and where I was going. So at 22 (going on 23), I realize now that I've figured life out. I've figured out that I know nothing and have so much to learn.

I guess, up to this point, I can say that I'm proud of who I am. Am I perfect? Not by a long shot. But I do know, each day I try to strive to be the best person I can possibly be.

My biggest insecurity: letting people down.

I struggle with this one big time. I know. I am a huge people-pleaser. It's worked in my favour for sure. I have so many friends and I never have a problem keeping them. It becomes a problem, however, when I'm so focused on making someone else happy, I tend to forget my own wants, needs and desires. I used to think this was the way I was supposed to live my life, but after a while, it can become very stressful trying to keep up with every single person's demands. I think if I had a little more assertiveness, maybe I wouldn't have made some of the mistakes I've made in the past.

I was always afraid that people weren't going to like me for some reason or another.

But what I learned was that, not everyone is going to like you. In fact, some people will even hate you and for no reason at all. It's a hard concept for me to grasp, but yes, I can't make everyone like me. Sometimes, I've just got to take a step back and do what's best for me. I only have one chance in this life, so I might as well spend it doing things that make me happy. Not wasting my times doing things for other people in fear that they will resent me for not doing so.

I've just become so obsessed with how people view and think of me that I've had to stop and freeze and think "wait a minute!" What do you think about yourself?

One of my favorite quotes comes from my favorite childhood author, Dr. Suess. "Do what you want and say what you feel. For those who mind, don't matter, and for those who matter, don't mind".



I used to care alot about what people thought about me. But now, as long as I'm happy and I have people in my life who support the person I am, what does it matter?

If people think it's weird that I hate to wear the same outfit combination twice, that I eat cereal without milk, that I make clucking sounds with my ear because my allergies make my ears itch like sin, that I like musicals, that I hate sports, that I like to take the icing off my cupcake with my finger first before I eat the cake part, who really cares.

I love me.