UPCI

Strangeflower, in again for the second time today.

So this is completely random and off-topic from my last few entries, but lately I've been very intrigued by the United Penticostal Church International (UPCI) denomination.

I myself, was brought up in a "mis-mash" of denominations which centered predominately around Penticostal (non-apostolic), Salvation Army and Baptist. My mother was raised Salvation Army, and my father was raised a catholic but converted to Penticostal when he came to Canada.

So, yes. The United Penticostal Church. Yes, I've found this denomination particularly interesting. They hold very conservative values on the contrary of what I've been brought up in. But they also put a great emphasis on the work of the Holy Spirit, which I feel is lacking in alot of churches today.

They believe that in order to be saved you must A. Accept Jesus Christ into your heart as your personal savior / Repenting your sins. B. Be baptised in water. C. Speaking in Tongues as a gift of the Holy Spirit.

I appreciate the faith which this denomination puts in the Holy Spirit for direction in their lives, and I believe that accepting Jesus Christ in your heart and repenting your sins should be a universal act non-specific to any Christian denomination for receiving salvation. However, I do not necessarily agree with that fact that you HAVE to be baptised in the Holy Spirit and speak in Tongues in order to enter the kingdom of heaven. The bible does state, "Pursue love, and desire spiritual gifts, but especially that you may prophesy. For he who speaks in a tongue does not speak to men but to God, for no one understands him; however, in the spirit he speaks mysteries. But he who prophesies speaks edification and exhortation and comfort to men. He who speaks in a tongue edifies himself, but he who prophesies edifies the church. I wish you all spoke in tongues, but even more that you prophesied; for he who prophesies is greater than he who speaks with tongues, unless indeed he interprets, that the church may receive edification." (1 Corinthians 14:1-5)

So I am confused with this.
The bible does not state that speaking in tongues is bad OR that it is essential for salvation. It speaks that speaking in tongues is a good thing, but it is even better if you can use the gift of tongues to prophesy God's word.

Also, the UPCI denomination believes that you must be baptised in water in order to be saved. But in the bible, it states, "He who believes and is baptized will be saved; but he who does not believe will be condemned," (Mark 16:16). I am confused my this passage, because it does state that you must believe and be baptised into order to receive salvation. But if you do not believe, you will be condemned. The bible does not say that you will be condemned if you are not baptised. Also, is the bible refering to water baptism here or the baptism of the Holy Ghost? Or both?

The women of the UPCI church also have very strict standards for the way they dress. They are discouraged from wearing pants or shorts and must wear dresses or skirts that come below the knee. They aren't allowed to cut or trim their hair and are discouraged from wearing any makeup or jewelery.

While I believe alot of these "standards" are biblical, I do not feel they all need to be taken literally.

I would really like to attend a UPCI church service sometime, just to compare it to my own values I've grown up in.

Trying to regain confidence

Strangeflower in for another day.

I spent the day pondering about what I had wrote on my last two entries. I'm so tired of feeling sad. I'm so tired of living in fear and anxiety. I'm so tired of being insecure.

I watched a very inspiring movie yesterday with my boyfriend entitled, "Dead Poets Society." It stars Robin Williams and is very well done. It frequently uses the age-old cliche "Carpe Diem", latin for "seize the day" as the movie's main message.

I guess I can never really predict or control what will happen in life, but I am in control of how I deal with it.

I'm really sick of having these frequent depression swings. I go for months of being happy and then the next moment, something doesn't fall exactly how I thought it would and bang - I become depressed again.

It's a vicious cycle I really want to try and stop.

I just wonder. Why I am like this, to become to stressed out and depressed at these times when other people appear quite fine? Maybe, they aren't fine. Maybe they are just as depressed as I, maybe even worse. Or maybe, they feel even better then fine. Maybe, they are ecstatic about every breath of air they take.

Right now, I just wish I could love life for all it's worth. I'm sure there's alot of great things in it I'm missing.

I wish I could love myself.

I remember the last time I was highly depressed, I felt like reading a passage in the bible.

It's from Psalm 139. It reads:

O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know my sitting down and my rising up.
You understand my thought afar off.
You comprehend my path and my lying down.
If I say, "Surely the darkness shall fall on me,"
Even the night shall be light about me;
Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You.
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and thev light are both alike to You.
For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother's womb.
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made,
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
Your eyes saw my substance being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.
How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would be more in number
than the sand;
When I am awake, I am still with You.
Oh that You would slay the wicked, O God!
Depart from me, therefore, you bloodthirsty men.
For they speak against You wickedly;
Your enemies take Your name in vain.
Do I not hate them, O Lord, who hate You?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
I hate them with perfect hatred;
I count them my enemies.
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.

I always compare myself to others.
Like, my boyfriend. He isn't a Christian, but a very good person. He loves to explore the wonders of life, and loves to learn. I really need to get out of this habit.

I think if I am anything at all, I am real. I've experienced life in various ways from the good, bad and ugly. I think I am the person of whom which alot of people can relate to in some way, shape or form. I don't try to hide my flaws. In fact, alot of times I flaunt my mistakes that I've made. Alot of my mistakes have helped me learn. And what is life without learning?

I know alot of people probably think I'm a hypocrit. But if that's the case, aren't we all hypocrits? Don't we all make mistakes, and then realise down the road how dumb we were for doing what we did? We all do and say contradictory things. We talk bad about others and then preach about how gossip is wrong. We criticise those who drink and smoke, and then during some period of our lives, we too, decide to do the same thing.

I realise that everyone messes up. I realise that everyone contradicts themselves.

I just hope that God's plan for my life is fullfilled.

Better days?

Strangeflower, just in for another day.

Hopefully this one will be better than the last ones.
I've been trying to analyze myself to see if there is an explanation behind why it is I feel the way I feel. I've determined that it comes down to boredom. I need things to do to occupy my time. I am not one who is easily able to sit idle for long periods of time. I need some form of external stimulation. I met a friend yesterday over coffee and she lamented to me on similiar experiences she's had recently when there's been very little to do with her time.

I recently picked up scrapbooking as a means of occupying my time. I find this very therapeutic and relaxing. Also, reading books can be a helpful way to ease the negative thoughts in my mind.

Work, some may say, would be the best option. But I object to being on-call 24/7. I can never plan to do anything, and since I do not have access to a vehical, I have to up and run to find someone who is willing to bring me into work at that present moment. At least if I was scheduled to work, I could plan for people to give me rides.

I realize my strong need for structure and organization in my life. I cannot live in chaos and uncertainty. I realize that unscheduled events can without reason pop up. But those events do not happen on a regular day-to-day basis.

I would really like more than anything for summer to be over, and for me to be back in school. I am at my peak of happiness when I am learning. Even if school is stressful on times, I would much rather be busy with a healthy level of stress that comes with it as opposed to being completely bored and feeling useless.

Since I haven't been working much, I've been able to accumulate a fairly significant amount of money in my bank account. Saving up money has been the best thing I ever thought to do. I really makes me think about the useless material crap we all seemed to need, but when you get down to it, it's all a waste in the end.

I'm going to get up out of bed and hope for a better day.

Depression

Depression.

A very hard to define illness. Usually can only be truly and affirmatively be defined by those who experience the illness itself.

As Webster's may define it: a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason

Possible Symptoms may include:

Sadness or excessive crying
Loss of interest or pleasure in activities that used to be enjoyable
Changes in appetite (more or less) or weight (gaining or losing)
Feeling tired
Difficulty sleeping—too little or too much
Agitation or doing things more slowly
Negative thoughts, including thinking about death
Feeling worthless or guilty
Poor concentration or having difficulty making decisions
Low energy level

I feel all this, yet, I do not know how to grasp this feeling and rid it permanantly from my body. I've been experiencing this intermittently from the time I entered high school at age 15, until now - my second last year of university.

I can think of 4 times in my life where depression has peaked significantly. Right now is reaching the fourth time.

I just feel so low. I feel worthless. Even though everyone tells me I am foolish to believe all of this and that I need to "calm down", I feel like no one cares. I feel I am unable to trust anyone's opinion of me.

Am I too much of an overachiever? I do set high expectations for myself. But it seems no matter how hard I try, I always tend to settle on a lower ground than what I initially intended for myself. I lack the confidence in myself to persevere.

I am fearful of making mistakes. I am fearful of people judging me and deeming me as a failure. I fear mediocracy. I fear of not fullfilling what I've been set on this earth to fullfill.

I want to feel like I am making a difference. Not in my own life, but in someone else's. I want to stand up and make changes for what is right.

At the end of the day, I want God to look down on me and say "Well done".

For as long as I can remember, I have dreamed of becoming a medical physician. An obstetrician and gynecologist. I wanted to work in Sub-Sahara Eastern Africa, treating people with HIV/ AIDS and educate them, counsel them, support them, and love them. I wanted to show the love of Jesus through my words and actions.

To even speak of Jesus's name now, I would feel like a downright hypocrit.

I feel so - stupid, for lack of a better word. I've screwed up, big time.
Through all my years of schooling, my teachers have all told me, "you're a smart girl. You'll become someone great. You have so much potential". I feel like I've let everyone down.

I feel like no one has any faith in me anymore. Not my actions or my words. I feel like people refuse to take me seriously anymore because of the amount of times I've openly screwed up and went against my word. I feel like I've lost so much respect from my friends, my family, everyone.

I'm sick of being just "average". I know I can do better than that.
But right now, that's all I am. Average.