It's been a weird two weeks.
I volunteered with "Relay for Life" and at the end of the event, my boyfriend broke his back while trying to hurdle himself over our other friend's back. Not good. So we spend all of Sunday, January 30th in the ER mostly. From 5AM until 1PM. No sleep, no studying done. Hardly any food. I volunteered to stay with Matt for the first little bit just to help him out. It was a a really shitty time for me, since I had two exams and clinical work to do as well as help Matthew out.
He was grouchy and I was grouchy and it turned out to be a mess. We almost broke up a few times because of it. He gets mad and takes it out on me and I get mad but bottle it up inside and become a total space case to everyone and everything around me.
I still don't feel 100% about it all.
We didn't really do a whole lot for Valentine's day either. Matt couldn't get out anywhere, so I didn't get anything really from him. It's okay, because I understand the predicament he's in. We stayed in and made pizza.
I have just been feeling very unwanted lately as a girlfriend, even though I know he loves me. I just don't know if he knows how to show it sometimes, and I'm not one of those girls who feels like telling him what to do.
I'm nearly 23 years old and I've never had a guy in my life take me out on a real date and plan this huge surprise for me where I could swoon and feel on air. I see lots of girls around who seem to have no problem getting that, but it seems like it's not in the cards for me to have.
It's one thing for me to have naturally low self-esteem as is, but it doesn't help when my boyfriend's decided to put me down for alot of things in the past little while he's been injured.
I just don't feel good enough. Not smart or pretty enough for anyone.
On a lighter note.
Glee last night (aside from the Justin Bieber-ness), was fabulous. They need need need to do more songs from RENT.
I need some time to myself for a while to think about things. If this is really what I want. Because if I keep putting up with this, it's going to be a viscious cycle. He gets mad a little things, I internalize it all and completely miss out on reality causing myself to become less focused on what I need to be doing, making careless mistakes and resulting in his frustration.
I need to surround myself with things and people I love or else I'm missing out on the good of life. My friends are one million percent fabulous and no matter what a man or anyone does to me in my life, they are always dependable. I love music more than life itself. I just need a microphone and a stage and I'm good for a few hours just to belt her'.
I am having a few of my good friends up this weekend to dress up and go out dancing after. I need it so bad. That would be a huge confidence builder right now.
I can't surround myself with people who make me feel stupid and worthless. I can only be empowered and make the right decisions when I am confident with myself.
I wish sometimes I was a mean girl so that know one would ever try to take the opportunity to walk over me. Unfortunately, I was not born with the desire to diva it up to get my way, contrary to what some may think.
I'm done with the bitching, but what I do have to say is I'm getting my inner diva on this weekend and looking fabulous. I have an order waiting to be picked up from Forever 21 which is fabulous:
I'm thinking a royal blue tank with those shorts, white tights and red heels.
Very retro pop, which I love.
And soft retro waves??:
For sure!
Okay, gone to go have lunch with the bestie and work on my fitness :)
Ciao.
