So, I started out my last journal entries with full intention of having lovely, positive and hopeful things to say about 2013 and my optimism for 2014. But I do have to say, 2014 has been starting out on a very weird note for me and I would be lying if I said that every day has been rainbows and I've been achieving all these goals and working on my New Years' Resolution. Bull shit.
It's not that anything traumatic has happened or that things have been difficult for me. Life, for the most part, has been pretty easy. I work at a job I enjoy with people I love and get along great with. I have a good relationship with my boyfriend and we live in a lovely house in a lovely neighbourhood with a lovely car in a lovely city. I have found and made friends with lovely people. I have, for the first time in my life, everything I have really ever wanted for a 25-year old girl starting out in my career.
But while everything should be going just "lovely", I feel so lost and unhappy.
I look in the mirror and I am never satisfied with who I am. I am constantly comparing myself to other people. I find it hard to be around people who have what I strive to achieve and just can't seem to get there. I just can't seem to "do it good enough" or live up to my own standards that I want for myself. I judge people inside my head who have made decisions for their life that, to me, seem preposterous, impractical and immature, even though they are usually the people happier than I am.
Even as I type this entry, I am self-critcizing my own writing for it not being good enough.
I am constantly making lists inside of my head whether I try to or not of things in which I am not happy with and want to change.
I want to be skinnier. I want better skin. I wish my hair was longer. I wish I didn't need to get drunk to go socialize with people at a party. I wish I was smarter. I wish I was more creative. I wish I was more motivated. I wish, I want, I wish. I fucking wish I was more confident...
People who have never struggled with depression, anorexia, bulimia, anxiety or any self-loathing disorder probably have no idea what I am talking about. Most people do not know what it is to have a lingering feeling of self-hatred and struggling to make it go away, but it never does.
Sometimes, certain things and people can lessen the intensity. Surrounding yourself with positive people, doing things you enjoy doing and are good at in your spare time, going to church, staying healthy. All of those things are excellent examples as to how one can better their own self-worth. But, unfortunately, the majority of people who suffer from conditions like depression, anxiety, eating disorders usually resort to things like promiscuity, substance abuse, unhealthy relationships in an attempt to avoid loneliness, and striving for perfectionism.
I have experienced all those negative things in an attempt to regain some self-esteem. And obviously, none of those things worked, which therefore perpetuated a cycle of me falling back into the depression circle, looking for the quickest escape route I can take.
I can tell you for a fact, at least, I know how all of this began and got out of hand. It was four years ago when I decided I was going to try to change myself in order to make someone else happy...
The worst decision I have ever made and the reason as to why today, I struggle so much with insecurity to a point where no human being could ever comprehend why.
It's not that anything traumatic has happened or that things have been difficult for me. Life, for the most part, has been pretty easy. I work at a job I enjoy with people I love and get along great with. I have a good relationship with my boyfriend and we live in a lovely house in a lovely neighbourhood with a lovely car in a lovely city. I have found and made friends with lovely people. I have, for the first time in my life, everything I have really ever wanted for a 25-year old girl starting out in my career.
But while everything should be going just "lovely", I feel so lost and unhappy.
I look in the mirror and I am never satisfied with who I am. I am constantly comparing myself to other people. I find it hard to be around people who have what I strive to achieve and just can't seem to get there. I just can't seem to "do it good enough" or live up to my own standards that I want for myself. I judge people inside my head who have made decisions for their life that, to me, seem preposterous, impractical and immature, even though they are usually the people happier than I am.
Even as I type this entry, I am self-critcizing my own writing for it not being good enough.
I am constantly making lists inside of my head whether I try to or not of things in which I am not happy with and want to change.
I want to be skinnier. I want better skin. I wish my hair was longer. I wish I didn't need to get drunk to go socialize with people at a party. I wish I was smarter. I wish I was more creative. I wish I was more motivated. I wish, I want, I wish. I fucking wish I was more confident...
People who have never struggled with depression, anorexia, bulimia, anxiety or any self-loathing disorder probably have no idea what I am talking about. Most people do not know what it is to have a lingering feeling of self-hatred and struggling to make it go away, but it never does.
Sometimes, certain things and people can lessen the intensity. Surrounding yourself with positive people, doing things you enjoy doing and are good at in your spare time, going to church, staying healthy. All of those things are excellent examples as to how one can better their own self-worth. But, unfortunately, the majority of people who suffer from conditions like depression, anxiety, eating disorders usually resort to things like promiscuity, substance abuse, unhealthy relationships in an attempt to avoid loneliness, and striving for perfectionism.
I have experienced all those negative things in an attempt to regain some self-esteem. And obviously, none of those things worked, which therefore perpetuated a cycle of me falling back into the depression circle, looking for the quickest escape route I can take.
I can tell you for a fact, at least, I know how all of this began and got out of hand. It was four years ago when I decided I was going to try to change myself in order to make someone else happy...
The worst decision I have ever made and the reason as to why today, I struggle so much with insecurity to a point where no human being could ever comprehend why.
