Figuring it all out.

Coming out here to the prairies has caused me to think a lot...

I believe we all are given choices. We (well, some of us) spend time praying about where we want God to direct us next. It's hard because often times, several doors are open at once and you have to choose which door you want to go through. Going through that one door can give you so many different experiences that will continue to shape you as a person. But you often wonder about the other doors. What if I went through those doors instead? What would my life be like then?

I used to think God had only one plan that He wanted me to follow, but now, as I'm getting older, I'm figuring out that sometimes God opens multiple doors. What is on the other side of those doors a lot of the time isn't bad or good. It's all a matter of what we choose. I like to think of my life as a "Choose your own adventure" book. God knows what I am capable of and knows which choices are possible for me, but it's entirely up to me which road I go down. I think so long as you make an attempt to live a good life and keep faith in God, it doesn't really matter what road you take. There will be pros and cons with every decision you decide to make.

I say that, but at the same time, I believe in Godly intervention. I believe sometimes you are brought to certain places and meet certain people, all for a reason.

If I were to ask myself a year ago, where do you see yourself on October 20, 2012, I would have never in a million years guessed in a small town in Northern Saskatchewan. I know God wanted me to be here, that is for sure, but why that is, I'm slowly beginning to discover...

I've been praying a lot. I know some crazy things are about to happen. My life is going to become very different soon, but I'm ready for it. I don't think I've ever been more prepared.. :)

She needed wide open spaces, room to make her big mistakes...

Who doesn't know what I'm talking about 

Who's never left home, who's never struck out 

To find a dream and a life of their own 

A place in the clouds, a foundation of stone 

Many precede and many will follow 

A young girl's dream no longer hollow 

It takes the shape of a place out west 

But what it holds for her, she hasn't yet guessed... 

Long time, no see!

Yeah, I've been slack on the bloggin', I know, but please forgive me, I've had ALOT going on in my life. I've been waiting for a perfect moment to update you guys on what's been happening. 

I had been praying ALL summer long for God to provide me with a job as a nurse. Everything was looking so bleak and I was starting to give up. I received so many prayers from friends and family that I would find work. I'd always imagined myself working in a big city once I started my career. But apparently, God had different plans for me...

One afternoon, I get a phone call from my friend Heather - a close nursing school friend of mine, also unemployed for most of the summer. She had called to announce that she had accepted a nursing position at a hospital in a small rural town in northern Saskatchewan. Before I could even congratulate her, all she could say was, "Eve! They are looking for more nurses and I gave the manager your name! Please, please consider it!" Now, the first thought in my head was, NO. Not a chance! Here I am, born and bred city girl. I love my shopping malls, movie theatres, night clubs, fancy purses, high heeled shoes, cocktails and fancy restaurants. How on earth could I ever move to somewhere that doesn't even have a Wal-Mart?!?!

I was called by the manager to see if I wanted an interview. I decided, why not? I would do it for the heck of it. I also had an interview an hour after for another job, a city job that I wanted way more. I prepared a lot for the job in the city and was planning to put in as little effort as possible for the rural Saskatchewan job.

The morning of the interview came and I decided to be so nonchalent about it. I did not get up to shower, dress, or even make notes on what I was going to elaborate on to make me look good for the interview. In fact, I'm pretty sure I was in bed during the interview. I did not want to make a fool of myself but at the same time, I could have cared less if they thought I was qualified for the job or not. In a sense, I tried to do the interview badly.

A day later, I received a call to say I had gotten the job in rural Saskatchewan. But I was still anxiously awaiting the news to hear if I had gotten the job in Edmonton or not. I decided it was wise for me to get the paperwork together I need for the job in Saskatchewan just in case the Edmonton job fell through. But I was oh so confident I would get the job in Edmonton.

A week passed by and still no word from the Edmonton job. I was beginning to get depressed. I wanted to have that Edmonton job so bad. I prayed more and more. For some reason, in the bottom of my heart I felt that it was Saskatchewan that I was supposed to go. But I chose to ignore it just because it was not what I wanted. I had gotten a lot of people to pray for me that week, that maybe somehow, the answer would become clear. Did I get a clear answer? Well, no.. I did get a call back a week later from Edmonton. I had gotten that job. It was a part-time position, but it was a nursing job in the city for a position is desperately wanted. I prayed more and more and the feeling in the bottom of my stomach would not go away. My best friend at the same time was also praying for me. She began to get the same feeling as I did. "Eve, I think you should just take the job in Saskatchewan. The worst thing that can happen is that if you don't like it, just apply for a job somewhere else!"

So I decided to take a leap of faith, just to go with my gut instinct. But before I decided I was going to go, I needed to make sure I would have a sensible place to live in. Initially, i was going to live with Heather. But when I was undecisive about if I was going or not, Heather just decided to get her own spot. I went on Kijiji and found a girl who was looking to rent out the upstairs of a house.  We spoke on the phone a couple of times. She was a law student from BC and seemed friendly and cool. I decided to move in with her and a week later, I was on my way.

Before I left, I wanted to make sure that I would have a solid church community for when I got there. I googled a church online and got in touch with the youth and young adults pastor. He was pretty friendly and invited me to come to bible study for the first Monday I was in town.

Everything was set. To make it better, my mom had decided to fly up with me to help me settle into my new place.

So much has happened since being here. I'll have to update you all on that with another blog. Time goes by so fast. It's hard to believe I up and left the place I called home for 24 years to go to a very random town in the middle of rural Saskatchewan.

Until then, I'll leave you all in suspense... :)

XOXO
E

Real life in 3..2..1..

Okay, well let's just say my "real life" is just about ready to start..

Nothing is finalized yet, but let's just say I have a couple of job offers and all the paperwork is starting to get finalized before I am on my way..

I'm not going to say where it is I'm going because it's a potential of two places. AND I have another interview tomorrow afternoon, which will make my decision process even harder :/

Trust me when I say, being in college/university is the easiest time in your life. You always know what you're doing next semester. You (for the most part) know where you're going to live, you somehow have the money to pay for tuition fees and books, you have a whole network of support from family and friends. Your schedule is set. You study from Monday to Friday with the odd trip to Wal Mart or a shift at work squeezed in. On the weekends, you socialize with friends, hits up the bars, go to movies, house parties, movie nights, coffee dates, and maybe some prep for a lab or assignment due Monday.
Life is so easy when you're in school.

But once you're finished, you have such bigger responsibilities to full fill. What job will I take? Where will I live? What car should I buy? Who should I marry? When should I get married? What house should I buy? When should I have kids? When should I start saving for my kids' college funds? What about a masters' program? Should I start that before I get married/have kids? Where should I take my masters' program?

And so on...

Boy, If I thought four years ago about what my life would look like, it most certainly would not be this!  But I do know there's so much more in store for me.

I'll keep you posted. Prayers would be great.

-E

Figuring out me / The pursuit of happiness..

Sorry for the slightly vague title, but it's the best I could think of.

These past few days, I've been doing a lot of soul searching. This unemployment thing is actually doing me a world of good for the time being and causing me to ponder on important things which I never would have before with my busy schedule or if I were to be working, I'd be so caught up in that, I would make excuses to just sit down to think.

Thinking. I really haven't done a lot of that lately. Before, everything seemed to be planned out for me. I was with a friend tonight who also recently graduated and we were talking about how our life is NOW only really our own. Before, I just did what was expected of me. I went to school eight months out of the year to educate myself in something I wanted to do for the rest of my life, worked during the summers and occasionally weekend. Everything, all planned out. Now, I'm really taking time to figure stuff out. What I want to do next. What is best for me. Just figure out, me. I need to know who I am first to decide what I want and what is best for me.

I've really learned a lot about myself in the past month or so that I didn't really know.


1. I am so insecure. I am constantly thinking, "Oh gosh, E. That person definitely thinks you are so strange!" I'm not the least bit conceited at all, but let's be honest here, I'm 5 ft. 7" and have a pretty in-shape body, good teeth. I know I'm not wretched. But I constantly feel judged by everyone. I like to dress up, I like to feel good about the way I look. I am artistic and expressive with what I wear. I think clothes should be a reflection of who you are inside or at least, who you want to be. Maybe, I want to feel like a girl who is cheerful, bubbly, positive, and confident all the time. Maybe, I want people to think that I have it all together, so that at least if others think it, it will encourage me to think that, hey, maybe I do? I'm actually not sure if many people think I have it together, but from the general consensus I get, many do. The truth is, I don't. I really don't. I'm actually lost. I constantly compare myself with other girls my own age. I feel insecure to take a stand for myself when I've been treated poorly because I honestly think that, "my opinions don't matter anyway". I put up with crap from others, more specifically, crap from guys who I know just want me for superficial reasons and nothing else just because I feel I can't do any better. When I get a grade which I know I could have deserved higher, I don't fight it out because, who am I to say I'm right and the professor is wrong? 


2. I am only happy when other are happy. I think if I lived on an island all alone with no one else, I would ensure that the wild animals were well taken care of before fending for myself. This can surely work in my favor. It ultimately makes me the best kind of nurse. It also works to destroy me. There are a lot of people who are selfish and manipulative and use my generosity solely for their own gain. My mother always called these people, "the ones who are good for themselves". They are the ones who are only looking out for number one and will do anything and everything they can to make sure they are on top, regardless if someone else has to suffer as a result. I'm a pretty easy target to be used and abused by people. 




I actually had to stop writing this journal entry and come back to it a few days later..


My mind has been filled with becoming aware with my flaws, my imperfections and my weaknesses. But I thought about it and said to myself, why I am putting ALL my time and energy into thinking about what is WRONG with me instead of focusing on what is GOOD. I watched a video on YouTube the other day and posted it on my Facebook. Link to that video can be found right here. The title of the video is "Secrets of Truly Happy People". I found this video just because I follow this girl a lot on YouTube for makeup and fashion advice, but I found this video so inspirational and helpful for me to adapt a more positive attitude.

An interesting point the girl (Lindy) makes is she tells a story of two wolves. One named "Happiness" and the other named "Unhappiness". The two wolves get into a fight. When asked about which wolf wins the fight, the answer is, which ever wolf you feed. This analogy is an excellent way of demonstrating the power your thoughts have on the type of life you live. If you choose to fuel your negative thoughts about yourself and others, you will become a negative and unhappy person. If you choose to focus on the positive, see the good in yourself, other people and be thankful for everything you've been blessed with, you will live a happy and fulfilling life.

We all have bad days, some worse than others. And sometimes, we can never change the bad things which happen. We can however, change our attitude towards it.

Happy thoughts, everyone! :) We are all blessed.

-E

Summer Days

Hey hey! So, I've been trying to keep my promise to blog more and so today I said to myself , you are going to put up a post by the end of the day!

What's been hip and happening? Not a whole lot. I've been laying low and keeping my spirits high.
I'm still on the patient wait for a job. So far, I have an interview scheduled for Halifax before the end of this month AND an interview for Edmonton! Progress, right? YAY :D

I'm also in the process of getting my license. FI-NAL-LY! Yes, it's pretty embarassing that I have a university degree and no driver's license. I've had my permit since forever ago and even attended driver's ed last year. In my defense, my parents had this rule that neither I or my brother could drive until we were 20 and had the money to pay for car insurance. Well, at 20 years old, I lived on my own and lived close enough to everything that I didn't feel the need to have a car and wouldn't have been able to afford it anyway, at that point. So, I just kind of got by the last few years without one. But now that I have officially entered "Adultworld" and will need wheels to get around, I am going to need to get it. A lot of jobs in nursing, too (Public Health and Community Health jobs), require that you have a valid driver's license as much of that type of work is spent driving around, doing home visits. I attempted to get my license once, but failed, so now I have to go back and try for it again. *Sigh*

So, what's been new since the last time I posted? Well, much of this weekend was spent doing Canada Day / Long weekend activities. The weather has been glorious and I've been trying to spend as much time as possible in the great outdoors. We [my city] rarely gets nice weather, so you pretty much have to take advantage of it while you can because you never know when you're going to get a nice day next.

Saturday night, my brother (who is a DJ here in town) through a house party at my dad's house for the Canada Day celebrations. There was a lot of red and white, great tunes and great food floating around me the whole night. AND one of the most HILARIOUS things happened as well. One of those stories that will definitely be told on my wedding day. HAHA. Okay, are you ready for it?? ...

Okay, so I left the party early just because I was feeling tired. My mom's and my dad's houses are only about a six minute walk between each other. My friend Neel walked with me so I would not be alone. Right before we reached my mom's house, my friend Robyn called to inform me that she had drank "way way too much" and wanted to sleep at mom's house so that she wouldn't have to drive home. Of course, this was not a problem, so myself and Neel walked back to dad's, picked up Robyn and proceeded to walk back up to Mom's. As soon as we got to Mom's and Neel had left, Robyn and I began to feel extremely hungry. Robyn had the bright idea in her head to walk to McDonald's (about a fifteen minute walk away from my mom's house). Since McDonald's was the only place open which served food at 3AM, we started the trek over there. Okay, so we get there and realize that only the DRIVE-THRU is open, NOT the restaurant. So, what did we do? Start to walk through Drive-Thru, of course! Myself and Robyn walk through Drive-Thru with a sedan in front of us and a pick-up truck behind us. The guy in the pick-up was definitely no older than me and was laughing his head off at us. We get to the window to place our order [this is TOTALLY all legit], but the person on the speaker says, "I'm sorry, Girls, but you have to be in a vehical". We look at the guy in the truck behind us, laughing like a hyena, and all he can say is, "Get in with me, girls." So, we hop in a car with a random stranger who for all we knew could have raped us, but we wanted our precious McDee's, and would go through great lengths to get it. Now, let me just say, this is the type of thing which can ONLY be done in the place where I live. People here, for the most part, are pretty trustworthy. Anywhoo, we order our McDonald's and the guy drops us home because he doesn't want us wandering around town at [now] 4 in the morning. He even added us to facebook, hahaha! McRandom!

So, Saturday night was pretty eventful.

Sunday was CANADA DAY!

It was lovely to spend an entire day outdoors and watch the fireworks that night :)

My Mom's birthday was yesterday. I made her a delicious ice cream cake [yes, all from scratch] and lasagna, cesear salad and garlic bread for supper.

After supper, I went for a walk. This time of year, the hills are filled with beautiful, long-steamed bunches of purple flowers called Lupins. I've never seen them anywhere else but in my province and around Canada Day week is when they are in full-bloom.

I decided to get a few shots of myself frolicking in the lupins as well as some from where I took my walk, around an abandoned barn. 

I hope you all had a great day and to my American friends, Happy Independence Day!! :)

-E

One step at a time..

I've been very busy these last few weeks, but now that things have finally calmed down (a little bit). I can proudly say that I have officially graduated from my nursing degree and just three weeks ago, completed my national Registered Nurse examination. So what have I been up to? Honestly, not a whole lot, which gives me NO excuse for my lack of blogs, but I'm making it my mission to change that now with all my free time.

My life has been consisting of applying for jobs (with no success, yet), having over the phone interviews (again, with no success..yet), movie nights on Tuesday Cheap Night with other unemployed friends, going for walks in the park and downtown in my city since the weather has been BEAUTIFUL, keeping up with my pinterest addiction, sporadic coffee dates, trips to the new Menchie's frozen yogurt shop here in town (which by the way, is dee-lish!), karaoke, destroying old clothes to make them hip and vintage, making friends with a donkey, making friends with a new girl from Brazil, going to the gym, reading "The Hunger Games" trilogy, and working the odd shift at my part-time job in the nursing home.

Very random and aimless. But it's been keeping my stress levels down as I could allow my mind to think some very negative thoughts about myself for being in this place I am now. I really did not anticipate to be in this position with a nursing degree and no job or form of financial stability or life of my own.

It's kind of embarrassing that I have a perfectly useful degree but I'm still living under my parent's roof, eating their groceries, using up their hot water and electricity. I still do not have my license.

I look at a lot of other people my age and think, wow, they all seem to have to together. They have good paying jobs, maybe already married or engaged, they either own or are in the process of building their own house, they have their own car, and maybe, just maybe, they have entered the stage where they are ready to have kids.

I just feel that right now, I have nothing figured out. I have no idea where I'm going next or what I'm doing. It's a comfort to know that I'm not the only one my age in this predicament. But I'd like to know, from an experienced "life liver", how long this "phase" of not knowing what the heck to do after graduating lasts?

I went into nursing because I felt that it was something that God wanted me to do.  But here I am, degree in hand, all the hard work over, and I'm looking up to the heavens and thinking "Now what?". I know right now, that I'm probably going to have to leave my province. But I'm perfectly okay with that. In fact, I think I need it. The question is, I need some way of getting out of here.

I've been applying for jobs across the country since March and hardly any luck. There are days where I'm hopeful and I try to stay positive that something good will happen. But I have other days where I get depressed. I start to internalize everything and think there must be something wrong with me because I don't have a job.

I'll just stay positive more and pray that good things are coming my way. :)

Hey hey!

Long time, no blog. What has been happening? Where to start? What to say?

Well, all I can say is, the past few months have been craaay-zee! Let me update you.

So on my last blog post, I mentioned that I was planning to do a missions trip to the Dominican Republic-Haitian border with a group of nurses from my university. Well, that plan fell through for a lot of reasons. The main reason was finances. After I signed up for the trip, I tried picking up a few extra hours at my part-time job. At that point in time (and now, for that matter), I did not have a real, big-girl Registered Nurse job, so I was willing to take the plunge and just work at my part-time job (Personal Care Worker in a nursing home) to get some money while I awaited an RN job. I didn't get a lot of hours and if I was offered a real nurse job, I didn't want to have to ask for time off starting as a new nurse. It's probably a very confusing and convoluted story to read, but the main point is that I will not be going on that missions trip in August.

 In all honesty, I have just been living life day-to-day, unsure of what is to come next. I applied for many jobs within and outside of my home province, but I've only gotten responses from health agencies here in my own province. The idea of moving away sounded adventurous and exciting initially, but maybe I'm meant to stay here for a little while longer. Who really knows. My time and energy has been solely put into job hunting, studying for my national RN exam (the exam which legally gives me the right to work as a nurse anywhere in Canada), repining pins on Pinterest, Baking, watching all the seasons of "Saved By the Bell" on DVD, going to the gym and sleeping in until 10:30am everyday. I feel like I'm in my own invented place called, "Life's purgatory" - the awkward stage right after you receive your hard earned degree or college diploma and have NO IDEA what the HECK you are going to do next.

I guess you could call this a "Quarter life Crisis", even though I am not technically at that "quarter" mark yet. One year to go.

Yes. So I just turned 24 this month. 13 days ago, to be exact. The 8th of May. It was the first birthday where I actually felt old. Not sure if it had much to do with me convocating from university, but nonetheless, I felt like an old fart. So old, that myself and a good friend of mine (who turned 23 on May 10th) decided to have a conjoined birthday party that consisted of a theme which was supposed to make us feel young again. A BARBIE birthday party. For the next many years of my career, I will not always be guarenteed to have my birthday off, so I decided to make this birthday extra special. I could easily make myself depressed with the idea that my youth is slipping through my fingers, but like my friend Omar put it "Age is like a good bottle of wine. The older it gets, the better it tastes and the higher its worth!" Happy birthday to me. :)

There is hope..hopefully.

So, here I am. The finish line. My days in this degree are numbered. I am so close. There are so many unknowns. So many new things. So many adventures await me.

The last couple of months have been somewhat depressing. The job hunt isn't going as well as planned. I'm praying for better days.

God does His thing all in the right timing. I just have to be patient, I guess. It's so hard. I want and need money for so many things. I want to get myself situated and established. I'm in so much debt to the government in student loans, I don't even want to think about it. I'm working full-time, without gaining a dime in my pocket. I am so tired all the time, I just come home and go to bed. On my days off, I just want to sleep in until noon and drink on the weekends when I am off with the other depressed nurses. Very bad rut that I've gotten myself in.

Fortunately, I have found something which gives me a mere glimpse of hope.


I am going on a mission trip.

Yes. This summer. August 18-27, I will be going to the Haitian-Dominican border to do medical relief work as a volunteer nurse. This is probably one of the most exciting things that has ever happened to me since one of the main reasons why I did a degree in nursing was so that I could do missions work. Money has always been the main issue for me with going on these trips. But everything lined up right for me to go. My Dad told me that as a grad/birthday/Christmas gift, he would pay for me to go on a vacation somewhere. The rest of my class is going to Mexico on an all-inclusive resort for a week. I could have easily gone. But I'm so sick of wasting my money of frivolous and superficial things such as shopping and drinking. This would be so much more worthwhile.

I prayed to God, crying with pain. Why? God, why? Why do I feel this way? Why is this happening to me? I hate the floor I'm working on. I feel overworked, not paid or gratified enough for what I do. I have no job yet and I am in over my head in debt. I prayed so hard. And this opportunity came up for me to go away.

I will continue to pray more. As bleak as it seems, I know God is not going to fail me. He's allowed me to go into nursing for a reason. He's gotten me this far for a reason. He's going to take me to where I need to go next.

Just have to have a little faith.

:)

Beauty loves.

I'm taking a break from the stress of job applying to lament on things which I love and find beautiful. These are some of my top beauty faves:

1. Thick eyebrows.

That's right, put down those tweezers. Thick eyebrows are making a come-back. They are very European, very natural and very easy to maintain. Pencil-thin eyebrows are so out.



2. Freckles

I know so many girls who hate their freckles and even wear oodles of foundation to cover up their freckles. These beauty specks are all the rage in fashion. They add a sparkle to anyone's face and in my opinion, a sign of pure beauty.



3. Natural, curly hair

If you hair is naturally straight, then it's naturally sraight. But if your hair is naturally curly, let those curls go wild, child! Put down the straighteners and go with your natural do.



4. "No makeup" makeup

All you need is some mascara, concealer to cover dark circles / acne, pressed powder in your skin tone and a nude lip balm. Alexis Bledel pulls this look off beautifully.



5. Virgin hair color

Aka. never-been-dyed. Not only are the harsh chemicals of hair dye harmful to your hair over time, they're very harmful to your body and the environment. However, if you do feel like your hair color does need a boost, watch these youtube tutorials on how you can amplify your natural color using natural ingredients from your kitchen(for brunettes. for blondes. for redheads). Also, using products like henna can give you that instant change without exposing your body to the harmful chemicals contained in hair dye.




6. Long, Rapunzel hair or short, Tinkerbelle hair

This season's hottest hair styles incorporate two extremes. Long flowing tresses or pixie-short. Be careful, always ask for advice from a hair-styling professional before you decide to chop it all off. Very short hair is not complimenting to all face structures. Likewise with very long hair. Most girls can pull off very long hair, but for the select few, it is again, best to seek the advice of a hair professional before you decide to let your hair grow out or get extensions.




There you have it :)

Naive and Optimistic

So, I've been praying a lot lately about what I'm going to do with my life in these upcoming months. All I feel God telling me to do is stay strong and keep a positive attitude. It seems enough, but it's hard most of the time. Right now, my main objective is to get a job and hopefully, get out of Newfoundland. It's not happening as soon as I thought though. So far, I have had zero interviews even though I applied for a handful of jobs. But I know that actually getting the job is in God's hands. All I can do is be hopeful and try my best.

I felt very confident today. I used to be very self-conscious about my appearance before. I would cake on makeup and spend hours trying to look "perfect". Today, I threw on a cropped sweatshirt and jeans and the only makeup I wore was some lip stain. I felt confident in wearing hardly any makeup. You don't have to look like Barbie to feel beautiful. Beauty is feeling comfortable in your own, natural skin.



I'm calling it an "early" night. Lots to do tomorrow. I'm setting daily goals for myself so I don't get stuck in a rut. Meeting at the Career Development Centre, gym, revamping my cover letter and resume, and applying for more jobs. Oh, and looking up articles for my assignment and practicing piano.

Good-night, blogworld.

What Next? Part 3

So, I return with the third part of my story. Anyway, all last semester, I dealt with my pain in such as horrible way. Then, towards the end of the semester, early November, my grandfather passed away. I think that was the catalyst to really make me crumble. The only person I felt I could really go to in the midst of my emotional mess, was Matt.

I was a complete and utter emotional wreck. I took Matthew back a month before Christmas. Things were fine, and still are fine, but I feel helpless still.

I think I've completely lost my mind and respect from everyone. I'm so confused. I lack so much trust. I have so much insecurity than anyone will ever want me for a relationship in every sense of the word.

I don't feel pretty or smart or valuable.

I'm waiting for some Godly intervention to help me out...

What Next? Part 2

I've been extremely busy and have had a lot going on. Hence, the reason why it's taken me two and a half weeks to post.

Okay, so to finish off my story, and none of you are very surprised to realize that I had been in an unfaithful relationship. I had been cheated on for the first time in my life, and can I just say, for those of you who have never experienced the feeling of being cheated on, I really hope you never feel this. For those of you who have experienced it, you know that it is the worst feeling in the entire world. Not only have you lost something so close and dear to your heart, you also lose a piece of yourself. You feel like there is something really wrong with you? Why did he chose her over me? What does she have that I don't? You feel helpless, worthless, and broken. Self-esteem is completely out the window.

After all this happened, I sat down and re-evaluated my life. What to do now? Where to go from here? I had not been single since I was 19 years old. I didn't know who I was or what I wanted. My entire world had been built up around Matthew and the life I thought he wanted with me. We were planning to move away once I was done school and perhaps get married a couple years after. But now. I had no idea.

We had booked a trip to BC before we broke up, so we decided to continue to go, but as friends. We had alot of mutual friends that lived in BC, so when I did see Matthew, it was with a group. I was very good friends with Matthew's aunts that lived on the Sunshine Coast, just outside of Vancouver. I ended up going on a camping and surf trip with them as well as Matthew. What happened? We talked and decided we would still be friends.

The fall semester, I really wanted to try and find myself. But I did it in all the wrong ways. I never realized how insecure infidelity can make you feel until it actually happens. I wanted to feel justified as a woman. I wanted to feel beautiful. I wanted someone to accept me for who I was. I did the worst thing anyone can possibly do after ending a long-running relationship - look for a rebound.

Well, unfortunately, that is exactly what I did. I casually dated a couple of guys. I did this while staying friends with Matthew, and did not tell him. Of course, he found out on his own and that brought along a whole bag of unneeded drama.

I know what I did was dumb. But coming from this situation, you really don't think about what's good and logical. You think about what you can do to get by. It was my last semester I had in nursing school. I had to have good marks. I did whatever I needed to do to give me the confidence to push through.

I tried going back to church, but I struggled so much with that. I know that people knew where I had come from. I was a party girl, in their mind. I left a position as a music and worship leader because I was running back and forth between my Christian-life and my nursing school-social life. I was so afraid of judgment. I felt so ashamed and little by everything I had done. I just wanted to run away and forget everything.


To be continued...

What Next?

So, I'll be honest. I know some people treat this online blog thing like a diary, documenting every major event in their life. I do as well. But I feel like lately, more specifically, the past 7 months, I've been on an emotional roller coaster ride. I have mentioned some things, in brief detail, but I can't say I've fulled expressed every emotion which I've felt inside to sum up how I REALLY feel.

I live in fear that people are going to judge me for making the mistakes I have. Judge me for allowing myself to hit rock bottom.

I'm the type of person that while everything else is burning around me, I put on a mask and pretend that everything for the most part is okay. I think really, that's all you can do. I mean, I was in my final academic semester of my nursing degree. I simply could not afford to let life's problems get in the way of fulfilling my purpose. At the same time though, I did slip. A lot.

I managed to finish my semester with a 4.0 and ridiculously good grades, however, at the end of it, I was completely emotionally exhausted.

If you keep pounding at a brick wall, eventually it does fall down.

I feel like right now, I need to write down everything that has happened to me, every emotion I've been feeling to fully deal with the hurt and pain I've been experiencing. Bear with me. I'm not looking for pity. I'm not looking for a pat on the back. I don't even care if I gain any encouraging words. I just want to express myself in the way I feel is LEAST harmful.

Okay. Here I go, I guess.

Summer 2011 is a mere blur. So much craziness happened within a span of two short months. I was doing relatively okay up until the second week in July. Prior to that, I had been working hard at my preceptorship in general surgery. I turned 23 in May, had a fabulous birthday party and booked a trip in British Columbia for the end of the summer. Matt and I were doing okay, but we weren't the best after I spent living with him the winter while he had a broken back. We thought that going to BC would be an excellent way of strengthening our relationship, and had things not gone as sour as they did, we probably would have had a better relationship. Matt wanted to attend a French camp for 5 weeks in Quebec for half of June and half of July and I was perfectly okay with that. 5 weeks would fly, I thought. I knew I would be busy in preceptorship for the first two weeks he would be gone, and working full time for the last three weeks. Time would surely fly and I would see him soon enough.

For the five weeks he was gone, I did nothing but have lots of fun with my friends. I knew this could have been the last summer I'd spend in Newfoundland for a while, so I wanted to have as much fun as I could. Everything was fine, however, I did find it strange when it was 5 days and I had not heard from Matt. I didn't have long distance on my phone, so I would wait and wait for a phone call, but they never came. Finally, feeling very weirded out by this, I picked up the phone and called the dorm he was staying in. He answered reluctantly and even asked who was calling. I was thinking, well you have no sisters or no other close girl friends, so what other 20-something year old sounding female would be calling you? He was taken back that it was me, and apologized for not calling. "I've been really busy, babe. I'm so sorry." Last time I checked, a phone call can take as much as five minutes of your time. Even an email. Facebook message? But no, nothing. Not one word. I've never been the type of girlfriend to flip out or cause a commotion really, so I just said, "Okay, well it's a bit odd that you haven't called, but at least let me know that you're doing okay."

Part 2 to come..

2012

Hello, brand new year!

Not going to lie. 2011 was pretty shitty for a lot of people. But hopefully, this year is going to be a lot better. 2012 will be a big year of transition for me as I move from student life at home to adult life in the real world with a real job. Ah, scary!

I kind of long for the days again of Polly Pockets, Barney and Duncaroos.

God is pretty much kicking me in the butt and saying, "It's time to grow up, Evannah".

I've had my share of screw-ups in the last 5 months.

So, I want to post a realistic New Year's Resolution for 2012. But before I begin, I should look at the resolutions I made last January to see if I followed through with them all.

2011 New Year's Resolutions:
1. Learn more of the piano = success!

2. Read at least 10 books outside of school books = unsuccessful :(

3. Become involved in 3 big volunteering events (I have Relay for Life on the 29th, which is the first big event) - Success: Relay for Life, Let's Talk Science, and Nursing Orrientation 2011

4. Eat at least 5 servings of fruits / veggies each day = successful-ish

5. Go to the gym at least 3 times a week = successful-ish

6. Save money to go on a trip at the end of the summer with Matt = success!

7. Get my license by the end of 2011 = unsucessful. In my defense, I did go to driving school, but failed my parking on the first try. I'm going to try again this year!

8. Quit binge drinking (I don't drink alot as a rule, and when I do, lately, it's been heavvvvyyy. Need to stop that, pronto!) = ahh, probably about the same before, sooo unsucessful :(

9. Eat less processed foods (Cereals, pasta, juice and yogurt are the only exceptions) = successful-ish

10. Befriend someone I normally wouldn't - success. Her name is Angie. We both worked at the Med Quest Summer Program in 2011. Honestly, I thought she was going to be a mega beyotch when I met her. But she is sweet as pie and we hang out a lot! :)

Okay, so New Year's Resolutions for 2012. *Drum Roll*:
1. Gym three times a week
2. Get a job as a nurse (Hopefully in BC *fingers crossed*!)
3. Be wise about my money. I have vowed not to buy another item of clothing unless it is absolutely necessary for me to have it. I have way too many clothes already.
4. To eat out no more than twice a month
5. Successfully graduate from university
6. Pass my RN exam in June
7. Spend less time on the internet. (eek!)
8. To go out (ie. to a club) no more than once a month (unless it's karaoke, which is free!)
9. Gain a better relationship with God
10. Stay positive :)

I think these are all manageable. With a little faith, trust and pixie dust, I'll be on my way. God has big plans for me this year. I just have to trust in Him. :)