Sorry for the slightly vague title, but it's the best I could think of.
These past few days, I've been doing a lot of soul searching. This unemployment thing is actually doing me a world of good for the time being and causing me to ponder on important things which I never would have before with my busy schedule or if I were to be working, I'd be so caught up in that, I would make excuses to just sit down to think.
Thinking. I really haven't done a lot of that lately. Before, everything seemed to be planned out for me. I was with a friend tonight who also recently graduated and we were talking about how our life is NOW only really our own. Before, I just did what was expected of me. I went to school eight months out of the year to educate myself in something I wanted to do for the rest of my life, worked during the summers and occasionally weekend. Everything, all planned out. Now, I'm really taking time to figure stuff out. What I want to do next. What is best for me. Just figure out, me. I need to know who I am first to decide what I want and what is best for me.
I've really learned a lot about myself in the past month or so that I didn't really know.
1. I am so insecure. I am constantly thinking, "Oh gosh, E. That person definitely thinks you are so strange!" I'm not the least bit conceited at all, but let's be honest here, I'm 5 ft. 7" and have a pretty in-shape body, good teeth. I know I'm not wretched. But I constantly feel judged by everyone. I like to dress up, I like to feel good about the way I look. I am artistic and expressive with what I wear. I think clothes should be a reflection of who you are inside or at least, who you want to be. Maybe, I want to feel like a girl who is cheerful, bubbly, positive, and confident all the time. Maybe, I want people to think that I have it all together, so that at least if others think it, it will encourage me to think that, hey, maybe I do? I'm actually not sure if many people think I have it together, but from the general consensus I get, many do. The truth is, I don't. I really don't. I'm actually lost. I constantly compare myself with other girls my own age. I feel insecure to take a stand for myself when I've been treated poorly because I honestly think that, "my opinions don't matter anyway". I put up with crap from others, more specifically, crap from guys who I know just want me for superficial reasons and nothing else just because I feel I can't do any better. When I get a grade which I know I could have deserved higher, I don't fight it out because, who am I to say I'm right and the professor is wrong?
2. I am only happy when other are happy. I think if I lived on an island all alone with no one else, I would ensure that the wild animals were well taken care of before fending for myself. This can surely work in my favor. It ultimately makes me the best kind of nurse. It also works to destroy me. There are a lot of people who are selfish and manipulative and use my generosity solely for their own gain. My mother always called these people, "the ones who are good for themselves". They are the ones who are only looking out for number one and will do anything and everything they can to make sure they are on top, regardless if someone else has to suffer as a result. I'm a pretty easy target to be used and abused by people.
I actually had to stop writing this journal entry and come back to it a few days later..
My mind has been filled with becoming aware with my flaws, my imperfections and my weaknesses. But I thought about it and said to myself, why I am putting ALL my time and energy into thinking about what is WRONG with me instead of focusing on what is GOOD. I watched a video on YouTube the other day and posted it on my Facebook. Link to that video can be found right here. The title of the video is "Secrets of Truly Happy People". I found this video just because I follow this girl a lot on YouTube for makeup and fashion advice, but I found this video so inspirational and helpful for me to adapt a more positive attitude.
An interesting point the girl (Lindy) makes is she tells a story of two wolves. One named "Happiness" and the other named "Unhappiness". The two wolves get into a fight. When asked about which wolf wins the fight, the answer is, which ever wolf you feed. This analogy is an excellent way of demonstrating the power your thoughts have on the type of life you live. If you choose to fuel your negative thoughts about yourself and others, you will become a negative and unhappy person. If you choose to focus on the positive, see the good in yourself, other people and be thankful for everything you've been blessed with, you will live a happy and fulfilling life.
We all have bad days, some worse than others. And sometimes, we can never change the bad things which happen. We can however, change our attitude towards it.
Happy thoughts, everyone! :) We are all blessed.
-E
These past few days, I've been doing a lot of soul searching. This unemployment thing is actually doing me a world of good for the time being and causing me to ponder on important things which I never would have before with my busy schedule or if I were to be working, I'd be so caught up in that, I would make excuses to just sit down to think.
Thinking. I really haven't done a lot of that lately. Before, everything seemed to be planned out for me. I was with a friend tonight who also recently graduated and we were talking about how our life is NOW only really our own. Before, I just did what was expected of me. I went to school eight months out of the year to educate myself in something I wanted to do for the rest of my life, worked during the summers and occasionally weekend. Everything, all planned out. Now, I'm really taking time to figure stuff out. What I want to do next. What is best for me. Just figure out, me. I need to know who I am first to decide what I want and what is best for me.
I've really learned a lot about myself in the past month or so that I didn't really know.
1. I am so insecure. I am constantly thinking, "Oh gosh, E. That person definitely thinks you are so strange!" I'm not the least bit conceited at all, but let's be honest here, I'm 5 ft. 7" and have a pretty in-shape body, good teeth. I know I'm not wretched. But I constantly feel judged by everyone. I like to dress up, I like to feel good about the way I look. I am artistic and expressive with what I wear. I think clothes should be a reflection of who you are inside or at least, who you want to be. Maybe, I want to feel like a girl who is cheerful, bubbly, positive, and confident all the time. Maybe, I want people to think that I have it all together, so that at least if others think it, it will encourage me to think that, hey, maybe I do? I'm actually not sure if many people think I have it together, but from the general consensus I get, many do. The truth is, I don't. I really don't. I'm actually lost. I constantly compare myself with other girls my own age. I feel insecure to take a stand for myself when I've been treated poorly because I honestly think that, "my opinions don't matter anyway". I put up with crap from others, more specifically, crap from guys who I know just want me for superficial reasons and nothing else just because I feel I can't do any better. When I get a grade which I know I could have deserved higher, I don't fight it out because, who am I to say I'm right and the professor is wrong?
2. I am only happy when other are happy. I think if I lived on an island all alone with no one else, I would ensure that the wild animals were well taken care of before fending for myself. This can surely work in my favor. It ultimately makes me the best kind of nurse. It also works to destroy me. There are a lot of people who are selfish and manipulative and use my generosity solely for their own gain. My mother always called these people, "the ones who are good for themselves". They are the ones who are only looking out for number one and will do anything and everything they can to make sure they are on top, regardless if someone else has to suffer as a result. I'm a pretty easy target to be used and abused by people.
I actually had to stop writing this journal entry and come back to it a few days later..
My mind has been filled with becoming aware with my flaws, my imperfections and my weaknesses. But I thought about it and said to myself, why I am putting ALL my time and energy into thinking about what is WRONG with me instead of focusing on what is GOOD. I watched a video on YouTube the other day and posted it on my Facebook. Link to that video can be found right here. The title of the video is "Secrets of Truly Happy People". I found this video just because I follow this girl a lot on YouTube for makeup and fashion advice, but I found this video so inspirational and helpful for me to adapt a more positive attitude.
An interesting point the girl (Lindy) makes is she tells a story of two wolves. One named "Happiness" and the other named "Unhappiness". The two wolves get into a fight. When asked about which wolf wins the fight, the answer is, which ever wolf you feed. This analogy is an excellent way of demonstrating the power your thoughts have on the type of life you live. If you choose to fuel your negative thoughts about yourself and others, you will become a negative and unhappy person. If you choose to focus on the positive, see the good in yourself, other people and be thankful for everything you've been blessed with, you will live a happy and fulfilling life.
We all have bad days, some worse than others. And sometimes, we can never change the bad things which happen. We can however, change our attitude towards it.
Happy thoughts, everyone! :) We are all blessed.
-E
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