What Next?

So, I'll be honest. I know some people treat this online blog thing like a diary, documenting every major event in their life. I do as well. But I feel like lately, more specifically, the past 7 months, I've been on an emotional roller coaster ride. I have mentioned some things, in brief detail, but I can't say I've fulled expressed every emotion which I've felt inside to sum up how I REALLY feel.

I live in fear that people are going to judge me for making the mistakes I have. Judge me for allowing myself to hit rock bottom.

I'm the type of person that while everything else is burning around me, I put on a mask and pretend that everything for the most part is okay. I think really, that's all you can do. I mean, I was in my final academic semester of my nursing degree. I simply could not afford to let life's problems get in the way of fulfilling my purpose. At the same time though, I did slip. A lot.

I managed to finish my semester with a 4.0 and ridiculously good grades, however, at the end of it, I was completely emotionally exhausted.

If you keep pounding at a brick wall, eventually it does fall down.

I feel like right now, I need to write down everything that has happened to me, every emotion I've been feeling to fully deal with the hurt and pain I've been experiencing. Bear with me. I'm not looking for pity. I'm not looking for a pat on the back. I don't even care if I gain any encouraging words. I just want to express myself in the way I feel is LEAST harmful.

Okay. Here I go, I guess.

Summer 2011 is a mere blur. So much craziness happened within a span of two short months. I was doing relatively okay up until the second week in July. Prior to that, I had been working hard at my preceptorship in general surgery. I turned 23 in May, had a fabulous birthday party and booked a trip in British Columbia for the end of the summer. Matt and I were doing okay, but we weren't the best after I spent living with him the winter while he had a broken back. We thought that going to BC would be an excellent way of strengthening our relationship, and had things not gone as sour as they did, we probably would have had a better relationship. Matt wanted to attend a French camp for 5 weeks in Quebec for half of June and half of July and I was perfectly okay with that. 5 weeks would fly, I thought. I knew I would be busy in preceptorship for the first two weeks he would be gone, and working full time for the last three weeks. Time would surely fly and I would see him soon enough.

For the five weeks he was gone, I did nothing but have lots of fun with my friends. I knew this could have been the last summer I'd spend in Newfoundland for a while, so I wanted to have as much fun as I could. Everything was fine, however, I did find it strange when it was 5 days and I had not heard from Matt. I didn't have long distance on my phone, so I would wait and wait for a phone call, but they never came. Finally, feeling very weirded out by this, I picked up the phone and called the dorm he was staying in. He answered reluctantly and even asked who was calling. I was thinking, well you have no sisters or no other close girl friends, so what other 20-something year old sounding female would be calling you? He was taken back that it was me, and apologized for not calling. "I've been really busy, babe. I'm so sorry." Last time I checked, a phone call can take as much as five minutes of your time. Even an email. Facebook message? But no, nothing. Not one word. I've never been the type of girlfriend to flip out or cause a commotion really, so I just said, "Okay, well it's a bit odd that you haven't called, but at least let me know that you're doing okay."

Part 2 to come..