What Next? Part 2

I've been extremely busy and have had a lot going on. Hence, the reason why it's taken me two and a half weeks to post.

Okay, so to finish off my story, and none of you are very surprised to realize that I had been in an unfaithful relationship. I had been cheated on for the first time in my life, and can I just say, for those of you who have never experienced the feeling of being cheated on, I really hope you never feel this. For those of you who have experienced it, you know that it is the worst feeling in the entire world. Not only have you lost something so close and dear to your heart, you also lose a piece of yourself. You feel like there is something really wrong with you? Why did he chose her over me? What does she have that I don't? You feel helpless, worthless, and broken. Self-esteem is completely out the window.

After all this happened, I sat down and re-evaluated my life. What to do now? Where to go from here? I had not been single since I was 19 years old. I didn't know who I was or what I wanted. My entire world had been built up around Matthew and the life I thought he wanted with me. We were planning to move away once I was done school and perhaps get married a couple years after. But now. I had no idea.

We had booked a trip to BC before we broke up, so we decided to continue to go, but as friends. We had alot of mutual friends that lived in BC, so when I did see Matthew, it was with a group. I was very good friends with Matthew's aunts that lived on the Sunshine Coast, just outside of Vancouver. I ended up going on a camping and surf trip with them as well as Matthew. What happened? We talked and decided we would still be friends.

The fall semester, I really wanted to try and find myself. But I did it in all the wrong ways. I never realized how insecure infidelity can make you feel until it actually happens. I wanted to feel justified as a woman. I wanted to feel beautiful. I wanted someone to accept me for who I was. I did the worst thing anyone can possibly do after ending a long-running relationship - look for a rebound.

Well, unfortunately, that is exactly what I did. I casually dated a couple of guys. I did this while staying friends with Matthew, and did not tell him. Of course, he found out on his own and that brought along a whole bag of unneeded drama.

I know what I did was dumb. But coming from this situation, you really don't think about what's good and logical. You think about what you can do to get by. It was my last semester I had in nursing school. I had to have good marks. I did whatever I needed to do to give me the confidence to push through.

I tried going back to church, but I struggled so much with that. I know that people knew where I had come from. I was a party girl, in their mind. I left a position as a music and worship leader because I was running back and forth between my Christian-life and my nursing school-social life. I was so afraid of judgment. I felt so ashamed and little by everything I had done. I just wanted to run away and forget everything.


To be continued...