No change of heart, a change in me

What a wicked week in every sense of the word. Wicked as in the wicked witch of the west-type of week. Not wicked awesome.

I think I will be okay.

From the time I picked up Matthew at the airport one week ago to now, things have been okay to not great, to bad, to ugly, to at rest.


Matthew and I broke up after our three year long relationship. I felt I just couldn't go on anymore. I wasn't really happy for the longest time. I was content sometimes, but content is not enough. Especially after nearly three years of dating. I know Matthew tried sometimes but it was not enough and towards the latter end of the relationship, since February mainly, when he hurt his back, he took me more and more for granted. I felt that while I loved him, I knew he was immature and had a lot of hidden issues which I never disclosed to anyone. On the outside, we looked like our university's super couple. But I was slowly drowning.

At first, we fought. Matt told me some pretty cruel things which helped me to really see the side of him that was bringing me down.

While Matt was three years older than me, I felt a lot more mature. I knew what I wanted in life, where I wanted to go and how I was going to get there. Matthew was still trying to figure all that out.

The good part is that I'm not hurt anymore, nor mad, nor bitter. It will take some adjusting. But I know this is for the best. I do want to be friends with him. At the same time, I want to distance myself a bit. The thought of him seeing other girls makes me sick.

I realized that Matthew needed to love me for exactly who I was and not try to change anything about me. I changed so much of my life to mold into his, which in the end, left me feeling completely worthless.

I really wanted things to work out and we'd be together forever. But in the back of my mind, I knew neither of us could live completely fulfilled lives by staying together.

I know I will be fine. I have God on my side, who I am letting guide my decisions. Matthew isn't a Chriatian and I more afraid of seeing him cripple himself by the decisions he makes. I guess I can only pray for him.