So after watching Kalel's video on kalelcullentv on youtube about high school experiences, I was thinking to myself the type of person I've become in the past, oh, 6 or 7 years I guess? From the time I started high school to now, I have changggeeedd.
Pretty much everything about me, for the most part changed.
So, let's take grade 10:
This is pretty much what I looked like everyday. I always wore my hair in a bun or low ponytail. Sometimes with a headband, hair ribbon, flower or not. I wore something pink everyday. My two staple clothing items consisted of bootcut jeans and flowered knee-length skirts. I somewhat remind myself of a less-orthodox version of Mandy Moore's character in "A Walk to Remember". Girly, plain, quiet and focused. I had a few good friends I hung out with every day, but not a large circle of aquaintances. I spent my lunchtimes in the library either doing chem assignments with my best friends or arguing over political decisions made in our country in youth action commitee. After school, you'd find me in the music room for choir or musical theatre practice, or once a week taking voice lessons. Fridays and Saturdays: Sleepover with a girlfriend, reading a book, watching a movie, or studying. sundays: volunteering at the hospital. No boyfriend.
That was my life. I think I'd go nuts if I was like that still now. I was so quiet, so reserved. So... boring. I guess. I wasn't popular, but nor was I unpopular. I talked to everyone when I needed to and no one ever gave me shit.
Grade 11:
I think this was the year I gradually started to come out of my shell. As you can see, I had no problem being in front of people. But that was always the weird thing about it. I was so shy and socially awkward when talking to one person at a time, but when I was on stage, performing in a play or singing, or public speaking, I actually felt comfortable enough to be myself. It should be the other way around, but that's just the way it was for me. This was the year I started going to church again, became a Christian, made a whole new group of friends and started to realise who I was and what I wanted to become. I think my style became a little more funky this year. I ditched the flowered skirts and traded them for heels, but I still wore my hair up right until the end of this year (as evident in the picture). My best friends that I have today, although we had been close-acquaintances before, we were BEST friends after this year. So many new and amazing things happened in my life. I laugh when I think about it. It was all such a big deal at the time, but when I think of how simple life really was then, I can't help but giggle. I fell in love. I kissed for the first time (I remember being so happy because I had my first kiss right before I turned 17.. My friends could no longer make fun of me for the whole "sweet sixteen and never been kissed"). I got my heart broken. I found things in which I truly love and have a passion for. I was so passionate for God, for my friends, for my life, for music. I know I was naive, but innocense is bliss. I thought I had my life all planned out. And looking back, I think I did a darn good job of it. My life now isn't far from what I had expected it to be. I'm sure there's things which I've done recently I would never have thought of as a sixteen year old girl. But we live and learn...
Onto Grade 12:
By my side.
Grade 12. What a big jump from grade 10. I had my first serious boyfriend. We met at church. It was one of those "we saw each other across a crowded room" moments. You really and truly believe it's meant to be. Up until that point, I hadn't had much dating experience at all. I still don't, really. But I was very limited at that point. I specificlly remember crushing on that boy on the worship team of my cousin's church and not knowing why. Was it his blue eyes which pierced through me, or the mellow-sweet tones in his voice? I have no idea. Regardless, I knew I liked him. Although none of my friends found him to be "attractive enough", I still found him to be and ignored all the catty remarks. We had a decent relationship while it lasted. Looking back, I would have never had put up with the shit I did at the time, but we all would do things differently if we looked at every situation from hindsight. All it took was one date and I was smitten.
(me at grad, grade 12)
Over the next course of two years, things changed. We were both Christians, but he had slightly different standards and me. It made things very difficult at times. He was also unsure of what to do with his life, while I had mine all mapped out. I felt very insecure while I was with him. He frequently made comments about other girls who were hot, ugly, pretty, et.. while in front of me. It made me think, well if he thinks that about those girls, what does he think about me? I became very self-conscious and insecure. I wouldn't let him or anyone else see me unless I had a full face of makeup on and was dressed to the nines. Don't get me wrong, I still love to dress up. But I know there was a period of time I went overboard. He told me I was too skinny, so I'd eat as much as I possibly could to gain weight, and it would never happen. I wish I had that problem now. I was going downhill fast. I was slipping out of church because I had made new friends who were into going out dancing and that did not agree with my Chrisian friends (well most of them, the ones who are still kicking around today obviously never cared). Finally one night, the week of my 19th birthday, I completely turned a new leaf. Chris and I had broken up for very short periods of time before, but always managed to pull it back together. This time, I was done. I went out, had a few drinks, flirted hardcore with my friend's friend and ended up kissing him before the night was over. The next day I had no choice but to break off the relationship. There was nothing left. I needed to grow up and move on. I don't think I ever told him that I kissed another guy, but it matters nothing now.
The next few months, I was a huge party girl. I was by no means skanky or an alcoholic, but I flirted like mad, drank, ended up flirting with multiple guys in one night and then ditch them right before they thought they were going to snag me off. I remember feeling like a catterpillar that just spent the last two years in a cocoon and was now a free butterfly. I went to a different party every weekend and met different people without a care in the world. I worked that summer full-time at Bootlegger and bought a new outfit every single week. I was asked out by a new guy almost everytime I went out. My confidence level was high as a kite.
Then came time for school in the fall..
Towards the end of the summer, I realised that while I was having fun, I missed the old me. I still had my Christian beliefs and values, but I had turned into this fun-loving girl over night, I didn't know how I would balance the two. Would people think I was a hypocrit? I gave up drinking completely, but I still would go downtown every now and again. I went to an on-campus group every week, and made lots of friends. But through it all, I still never felt like I completely fit in. I felt like I could never fully express myself the way I wanted to, and when I did, I felt judged. I don't think any of it was intentional, but it was what it was.
I ended up dating Matthew in the winter of 2008, right when I was getting my life back on track. I had moved on from the whole "partying every weekend" deal, but I don't know if at the time I was ready for what he was about to bring.
Yes, I say that about Matt. The love of my life. If you've been watching Disney at all, you'll realise that "Happily ever after" comes at the end of the story and never at the beginning.
I think initially, Matt saw me for what alot of the other guys did. He was going to try and get the easy way out, but when he saw that I wasn't going for that, he immediately paid attention to me instead of walking away.
Now, for a long story short, that lasted all up until fall of 2008. We spent the winter of 2009 apart. I spent the early part of 2009 with no plans really other than to graduate. I said to myself, whatever happens, happens. Matt and I became friends late that spring, and over a long period of trust rebuilding, we realised how much we wanted to be with each other. So since July of 2009, it's been that way. Me and Matty.
We talked "the talk" about making it legal and all, but I still get a stomach ache every time I think about it. Part excitement, and part omgwtfimgrowinguptoofast. Who really knows. I basically have one year left to decide my life.
But what I want to know, if I, as a sixteen year old girl, could have foreseen any of this 7 years ahead, would I have changed it?
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