Trying to regain confidence

Strangeflower in for another day.

I spent the day pondering about what I had wrote on my last two entries. I'm so tired of feeling sad. I'm so tired of living in fear and anxiety. I'm so tired of being insecure.

I watched a very inspiring movie yesterday with my boyfriend entitled, "Dead Poets Society." It stars Robin Williams and is very well done. It frequently uses the age-old cliche "Carpe Diem", latin for "seize the day" as the movie's main message.

I guess I can never really predict or control what will happen in life, but I am in control of how I deal with it.

I'm really sick of having these frequent depression swings. I go for months of being happy and then the next moment, something doesn't fall exactly how I thought it would and bang - I become depressed again.

It's a vicious cycle I really want to try and stop.

I just wonder. Why I am like this, to become to stressed out and depressed at these times when other people appear quite fine? Maybe, they aren't fine. Maybe they are just as depressed as I, maybe even worse. Or maybe, they feel even better then fine. Maybe, they are ecstatic about every breath of air they take.

Right now, I just wish I could love life for all it's worth. I'm sure there's alot of great things in it I'm missing.

I wish I could love myself.

I remember the last time I was highly depressed, I felt like reading a passage in the bible.

It's from Psalm 139. It reads:

O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know my sitting down and my rising up.
You understand my thought afar off.
You comprehend my path and my lying down.
If I say, "Surely the darkness shall fall on me,"
Even the night shall be light about me;
Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You.
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and thev light are both alike to You.
For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother's womb.
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made,
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
Your eyes saw my substance being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.
How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would be more in number
than the sand;
When I am awake, I am still with You.
Oh that You would slay the wicked, O God!
Depart from me, therefore, you bloodthirsty men.
For they speak against You wickedly;
Your enemies take Your name in vain.
Do I not hate them, O Lord, who hate You?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
I hate them with perfect hatred;
I count them my enemies.
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.

I always compare myself to others.
Like, my boyfriend. He isn't a Christian, but a very good person. He loves to explore the wonders of life, and loves to learn. I really need to get out of this habit.

I think if I am anything at all, I am real. I've experienced life in various ways from the good, bad and ugly. I think I am the person of whom which alot of people can relate to in some way, shape or form. I don't try to hide my flaws. In fact, alot of times I flaunt my mistakes that I've made. Alot of my mistakes have helped me learn. And what is life without learning?

I know alot of people probably think I'm a hypocrit. But if that's the case, aren't we all hypocrits? Don't we all make mistakes, and then realise down the road how dumb we were for doing what we did? We all do and say contradictory things. We talk bad about others and then preach about how gossip is wrong. We criticise those who drink and smoke, and then during some period of our lives, we too, decide to do the same thing.

I realise that everyone messes up. I realise that everyone contradicts themselves.

I just hope that God's plan for my life is fullfilled.