Depression

Depression.

A very hard to define illness. Usually can only be truly and affirmatively be defined by those who experience the illness itself.

As Webster's may define it: a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason

Possible Symptoms may include:

Sadness or excessive crying
Loss of interest or pleasure in activities that used to be enjoyable
Changes in appetite (more or less) or weight (gaining or losing)
Feeling tired
Difficulty sleeping—too little or too much
Agitation or doing things more slowly
Negative thoughts, including thinking about death
Feeling worthless or guilty
Poor concentration or having difficulty making decisions
Low energy level

I feel all this, yet, I do not know how to grasp this feeling and rid it permanantly from my body. I've been experiencing this intermittently from the time I entered high school at age 15, until now - my second last year of university.

I can think of 4 times in my life where depression has peaked significantly. Right now is reaching the fourth time.

I just feel so low. I feel worthless. Even though everyone tells me I am foolish to believe all of this and that I need to "calm down", I feel like no one cares. I feel I am unable to trust anyone's opinion of me.

Am I too much of an overachiever? I do set high expectations for myself. But it seems no matter how hard I try, I always tend to settle on a lower ground than what I initially intended for myself. I lack the confidence in myself to persevere.

I am fearful of making mistakes. I am fearful of people judging me and deeming me as a failure. I fear mediocracy. I fear of not fullfilling what I've been set on this earth to fullfill.

I want to feel like I am making a difference. Not in my own life, but in someone else's. I want to stand up and make changes for what is right.

At the end of the day, I want God to look down on me and say "Well done".

For as long as I can remember, I have dreamed of becoming a medical physician. An obstetrician and gynecologist. I wanted to work in Sub-Sahara Eastern Africa, treating people with HIV/ AIDS and educate them, counsel them, support them, and love them. I wanted to show the love of Jesus through my words and actions.

To even speak of Jesus's name now, I would feel like a downright hypocrit.

I feel so - stupid, for lack of a better word. I've screwed up, big time.
Through all my years of schooling, my teachers have all told me, "you're a smart girl. You'll become someone great. You have so much potential". I feel like I've let everyone down.

I feel like no one has any faith in me anymore. Not my actions or my words. I feel like people refuse to take me seriously anymore because of the amount of times I've openly screwed up and went against my word. I feel like I've lost so much respect from my friends, my family, everyone.

I'm sick of being just "average". I know I can do better than that.
But right now, that's all I am. Average.