So this journal is on a more serious topic.

There is so much going on right now I can't even begin to explain it all. Everything is changing. We're all growing up so fast and moving on with our lives. It's exciting, it's scary, it's fun, it's sad, it's happy.

I don't even know what to write right now, except that my head is bursting from thinking so much about everything.

Graduation is only a year away. Am I ready? A part of me thinks, this is it, but then I know there is going to be another big thing that I'm going to have to work on, strive for, and make sacrifices over. I have said this before and as much as I can't repeat it anymore, I LOVE being a nurse. I feel like after all the mistakes and poor decisions I've made, this certainly is not one of them. It brings me so much peace and security. There is not one doubt in my mind that God chose this exact career path for me and I am so glad I stayed focused long enough to follow down that road.

You never know what life is going to bring you. There are some things you have absolutely no control over. But for what you do have control over, use your that freedom to make wise decisions.

One of my very good friend's dad was diagnosed with terminal esophageal cancer two years ago. I lived next door to this family for most of my life. Our mothers took my friend and I to 'Mom and Baby' swimming lessons. Her father picked me up from school, dance class, girl guide meetings, voice lessons, cooked dinner, lunch and made fires and pitched tents for me and Julia in the backyard over the 20-something years. This man is a genuine loving and caring person. He's been the father for me when my dad wasn't around. Now this man is counting his possible last days on earth, wondering if he'll ever live to see his younger daughter and son graduate, get married, have kids. But the one wrong decision he made, was to start smoking at a young age. We do things when we're younger, thinking that it won't last and because it's fun in the moment, but little do we know and understand the long-term repercussions of our mindless decisions.

I am lost for words on how to talk to my friend, her family and her dad because everyone right now feels like they are walking on egg shells. I see this man's condition from a medical point of view and know that he has very little time left. But, I also am slowly understanding what it is to be empathetic, and to put myself in the shoes of this family. I can't imagine how they could be feeling right now knowing that their loved one is in their last days of life. I know there are so many emotions running through that household. Feelings of hostility, anger ("why us? why me?"), feelings of fear and unknown, feelings of despair and hopelessness.

But through it all, the only thing left to do is pray. Pray that even though there is so much uncertainty, God is there through it all to restore peace in these most difficult times.

I've been feeling a slew of mixed emotions today. One, because of the situation with my friend's family. Two, my mom has been having some health problems for the past little while. The symptoms she is having are very ambiguous in nature and nothing is adding up to point towards any specific diagnosis. I just pray that there is nothing seriously wrong.

I am currently experiencing an internal struggle within myself that I've been going through for years. It involves making potentially one of the biggest decisions of my life. I have to ultimately choose one path, but there are two to pick from. Both come with a slew of pros and cons. I have no idea what I'm going to do and I really need to make up my mind soon. I have too much pride built up to pick the latter on the two paths. But it is the only one that sits with peace in my heart, no matter how hard I've prayed against it. I've just been letting everything mush together on its own - whatever is meant to be will be.

My biggest problem is that I'm a huge people-pleaser and would rather do what others want than what I want. I just try to live up to the expectations everyone thinks of me to be, when really, I'm not that person at all. It gives me a sense of security, a sense of belonging, and pride. I know deep down, God wants me to be humble, and be at a place in life where I do not take life for granted and ignore everything outside of my self-absorbed bubble.

I need to feel more confident in who I am and not try to be somebody else. I always seem to find myself left feeling insecure about one thing or another.

I've ranted so much about this, but I need to get out of this province for a bit to think about everything. Going to Vancouver in August, I believe, is going to be the best thing for me. I feel really good about it. As much as I'm in the hole financially, somehow, I managed to have enough to make the long trip across the country. I think it's going to be so much fun!

Okay.. Ranting is over. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend :)
Stay safe!