Reflection

I've been home now for a week and a half from my mini vacation to Toronto. It was a much needed vacation, dare I say, and since I've been back to my hometown, I've certainly been feeling alot more refreshed, rejuvinated, revived, and relaxed.

I am sooo anxious about going back to school. I actually cannot wait. I love to learn, as nerdy as this sounds. But I've accepted my fate a long time ago that I am without a doubt a Grade A nerd. Isn't that punny. I'm really not funny, but I try.


I love going back to school shopping. I love getting all my new fancy school supplies at staples. Flowered binders in fruity colors. Pretty neon sticky tabs and highlighters. Best of all, new fashionable duds.

I think I will do a photo blog on all the trends and fashions for this upcomming fall season. I know, I am a huge nerd.

I've been using alot of my spare time due to a lack of consistant shifts at my work to reflect on myself, my personality, my likes, my dislikes, my positive and negative attributes, etc..

I have learned about myself that I am a very expressive person. I am not and have SELDOM ever been shy. I love being in front of a crowd. I love showing people who I am. I am not obnoxious, but I would consider myself to have a relatively strong personality. I am very emotional and can experience a million different emotions in one day. My emotions are also very defined from each other. You can tell right away if I'm happy, mad, scared, sad, confused or bored. I cannot hide what I am feeling, even if I try. My mom really encouraged me to do this as I grew up, to be true to myself and express myself appropriately how I felt. Obviously, she did not mean for me to go slashing tires and breaking windows when I was angry. But if someone said something to me that was not right and it provoked me to become upset, my mother always encouraged me to confront the person about it in an assertive manner.

One of my bigger fears is that someone will get the wrong impression of me. I'm afraid that someone will tottally misread me to believe that I am A. Stupid B. Conceited / Self Absorbed C. Untrustworthy. I strive to be NONE of those things. I really hope I'm doing a good job at it.

I really want people to just accept me as I am. I want people to see that I am real. I have good and bad qualities. I try to improve the good and work on eliminating that bad (or use the bad to do good, in some situations). I feel I cannot get close with someone unless I can let loose and be myself. I have to feel like I can TRUST someone to have faith in me before I can completely have faith in them.

I think trust is sooo important. I dislike VERY few people. I find a good few people annoying, but they are still tolerable. I cannot tolerate people I cannot trust. Dishonesty REALLYYYY bothers me.

I would much rather be around someone who is an outright snob, than for someone to pretend to be nice and do bitchy things in secret.

I think, for the most part, I am confident on my own. I have a terrible habit of comparing myself to others alot, but when I really think about it, I'm content with who I am.

I am girly.
I am bad at sports. I wish I were good, but my parents never encouraged me to play sports as a child. In jr. high, I was always the last one picked for sports teams, therefore decreasing my confidence in my sporting abilities.
One sport I am actually decent at is badminton.
I love fashion.
I love helping people to feel good about themselves.
I love dressing up. Whether that be in costumes or fancy attire.
I love music.
I love embracing my African-American heritage.
I love exploring other cultures.
I still watch cartoons sometimes.
I am open minded.
I love to be in front of a crowd.
etc..

Sometimes I wish I was more charasmastic. Maybe I am and I don't realise. I do have an ample amount of friends. What is it about me that people are drawn to?

Sometimes I wonder what Matthew really thinks about me. I know he loves me, but I often wonder why? Haha. I know I can be a huge pain in the butt sometimes.

When I ask people this question, "What's the first thing that comes to mind when you think about ________", people always respond "Pretty!". This pisses me off.
I really don't want to be known for what I look like. Ugly or pretty, that's for you to decide, but honestly, I'd rather be known for a remarkable personality and remarkable things I've done to help other people.

Heaven forbid, if I am to leave the earth, I'd want to die knowing I made a difference in someone else's life. Whether I saved a life or simply made someone feel good about themself, I honestly want to make sure that it is my life long mission to better the life of someone else.

I guess I picked a good career to go into.

Something I've come to realise that really ticks me off is when people take advantage of others. My mother always taught me, never get someone to do something for you that you can do for yourself. I hate relying on others unless I absolutely have to. Even still, I feel like I owe them something for doing an act of kindness towards me.

I also hate when people do good for others, but only to expect something back in return. I think this is the WORST possible personality trait a person could ever have. It is so unattractive to me. How self-righteous, self centered, and selfish could you be? Basically a person like this does not think of anyone but themselves. I think people like this are a waste in society. They do absolutely nothing for mankind but destroy it. Ugh. I can not think of an uglier personality trait than this. A very disgusting and gut-wrenching personlity trait.

Yes. Dishonest and selfish people. Stay away from me. You do not deserve my time or anyone else's.

I feel like I do not fit in with anyone in the church. I wish I did. Maybe I would have felt more compelled to be obedient to the words of the church. But, I felt so out of place. Like a new kid on the first day of school. Everyone else already has their friends and rhen you come along and it feels like people are only nice to you because it's a good thing to be nice, not because they actually want to be friends with you. I bounced around with several different church groups since I was sixteen, but I always get this same feeling.

I seemed to have struggled with this feeling alot growing up. I never really knew where I fit in. I always seemed to have akwardly different opinions and hobbies than everyone else. I mean, hey it makes me unique. But for a while, it really did a number on my self-confidence. It's only recently that I've gotten to know people who are alot like me. I feel alot less alone in the world.

I am hungry.
Time for a late night snack.