New Year, New Blog.

Hello internet lovelies!

I have not blogged since my birthday and so much has happened - mostly lovely. I would like to tell you all about it. But first, I have a new blog. Please subscribe to it. You can view it by clicking this link here.

Happy New Year!

Pushing on..

These past few months have been very difficult for me. I feel like sometimes I've been in hiding from the world when I've ran out of enough "I'm doing okay", masks and costumes to put on in the run of a day, week or month.

It's been so hard for me to be happy or to feel like everything will be okay. I've been constantly anxious, losing sleep, losing hair from stress, and feeling angry at life.

I feel like somedays, I'm in the pit of a giant and tall well looking up and seeing only a glimmer of light. I am expected to function like a normal human being even in the pit of that well.

I have my days where things are looking up and I am happy, positive and encouraging. The next minute, I'm down in the well again. I hide in my room under the blankets. I pinterest for up to hours on end and contemplate if my life is worth living anymore..

A few months ago, the end of February, I decided to seek out professional counselling again. From that, I was referred to a psychiatrist and received a word to sum up the reasoning for how I was feeling. Bi-polar Disorder.

Those words creep me out so much. I am a nurse, so I am fully aware of what that diagnosis means. People will think you are crazy. People will know you are completely, fucking insane. Who will want to talk to me? Who will understand? Will I have friends anymore? Will I ever be happy again?

It all made sense to me, how I had been feeling. I could honestly be perfectly fine one moment, and without warning, be triggered by seeing something which makes me sad or reminds me of something that upset me in the past and I'm back in "the well". But when I was happy, oh! I was the happiest person alive and no one could feel the intensity of joy I felt in that exact manic moment.

It's hard to write this. It's hard to be completely real with people and admit that you suffer with mental illness. No one really gets it or understands it unless you have it yourself. But I feel like I do need to write, to gain freedom and control over my disease.

While I'll never be cured of this, I can control it. Growing in my relationship with God is the easiest and best thing to do, especially during my "down" days. Music is another. Singing, recording music and playing keyboard brings light into my life during the darkness. Medication is the easiest opinion for a health care professional to suggest, and for a lot of people this is very effective. But what people need to understand is that many psych medications can have different side effects on many different people. For example, a side effect of the medication Fluoxetine (an antidepressant) given to a person with a Major Depression Disorder can cause Suicidal Ideation. You have to be so careful and research exactly what you are putting into your body and it's long-term effects.

I've been on two different types of psych medication in the past, and I have to say, neither had been effective for me. I will continue to be on the pursuit of finding something that works well for me, but at the moment I am unmedicated.

I will try and stay positive that better things are coming my way.

That reminds me…It's my BIRTHDAY tomorrow :)

xoxo

-E

With whatever you choose, choose health and happiness..

Back into the blogworld again,

So, in my last entry, I opened up about my struggles with a mental illness. It's been very difficult to be real and true to people but the older I get, the more I realize to not let what I think other people could be thinking about me bother me. Dr. Seuss's timeless quote could never be more true, "Be who you are and say how you feel. For those who matter, don't mind, and for those who mind, don't matter."

For years, I refused to get treatment and support for the way I was feeling.  I was in denial about having a mental illness and was too embarrassed of the associated stigma to get help.

I've chosen to surround myself with positive things and positive people, which are all really great and helpful, but seeking appropriate medical attention from a family doctor, psychiatrist or psychologist is key.

Getting effective treatment is not something I came to the conclusion of overnight. It took months and months of support from family while dealing with my frequent mood swings, declining physical health, and extreme lack of energy.

I would hide behind my what looked to be, a healthy outer appearance. But inside, I suffered on a daily basis. In 2013, I'm pretty sure I hit a record high of sick days to the point my doctor was recommending I go on Long-Term Disability. Between the stress of working in a fast-paced labor and delivery department, working around the clock, eating unhealthy due to working around the clock, and not exercising due to constant fatigue (from working around the clock), my body had basically told me, enough was enough. Three episodes of full-blown influenza - one of which turned into pneumonia, three episodes of strep throat, two episodes of the stomach bug, three sinus infections, chronic abdominal pain, increase in allergic reactions, cystic acne, hair loss, unexplained weight loss, unexplained weight gain, chronic fatigue and social isolation.

 I knew if I didn't get myself in-check, not only could I risk permanent physical and emotional suffering, but also, my career was at stake. Nursing requires so much out of you - physically, cognitively, spiritually, and emotionally. I had to make a decision to leave my job and either decide to do a type of nursing that was less demanding on my body or leave the profession all together. Since nursing was and still is my passion and what I believe, my calling in life, it would be nothing more than heartbreaking to leave the profession all together. I prayed for a long time for God to give me the answers I needed and in due time, something did work out.

Right now, I could not be happier in the job I'm in. I am working at a clinic on a First Nations reserve and it is ever so rewarding. My co-workers at the clinic are the nicest people and we all work great as a team. I consider them more than just co-workers. They are my friends, my family. We all support one another and there is just such a happy, positive spirit in the air every time I am at the clinic, even when I feel less than optimal myself.

That being said, I have a long way to go. After years of hiding my psychological damage from the world and not ever helping myself, I've been set back in life a bit with regards to my health and overall emotional state. There are some days where I'd rather stay in bed and just take it easy. Other days, I'm more than motivated to take on the world. I still get sick a lot, although not nearly as much as a year ago, and I do what I can to be healthy and strong.

It is not an easy road and I know that I will have lots of trials ahead of me. But I know that with everything I endure in life, God is with me always. I attribute all my courage and hope to Him because he has promised to never leave or forsake me.

It's so easy to give up and throw in the towel, so to speak. But God has so many wonderful things planned for your life. Find your strength and joy in Him :)

XOXO
-E

My life.

I have been dressing up and playing pretend for a really long time now. I've been trying to show the world (my myself) that I can be happy and that everything always works out swimmingly for me. But it's all a lie...

My psychologist told me that a way in which I can find deep, fulfilling healing is just by being honest with myself and those around me.

So, I'll start from the beginning...

Hi, my name is Eve. Well, it's not my real name but for the sake of confidentiality, we'll go with that. I'm a pretty nice gal and for the most part, I do really enjoy life, but I'll let you in on a little secret. I've been pretty sick. For a long time actually, only now I'm really been coming to grips with it. I've been suffering with this little bug for years and years and years. Basically, since I was 16. Most times, I hide this bug under my bed and it stays there and just goes to sleep. Sometimes for months, sometimes for weeks. But eventually, the dark day always comes when life's burdens get in the way and that is when the bug regains it power and awakens. That bug's name is Depression Anxiety Eating-Disorder. Mainly the bug just goes by Depression, as that is what it's mostly known for. But when days are particularly grey - similar to when you've done something really, really bad as a kid and your mom calls you by your FULL name when she wants to give you a "talking to" - yeah, Depression then becomes Depression Anxiety Eating-Disorder. For short, D.A.E.D. If you spell that backwards, it becomes DEAD, a place in which I am completely powerless, completely vulnerable, and completely broken.
Like I actually have become DEAD inside.

For years, I have spent countless hours in the offices of psychiatrists, psychologists, counsellors, social workers, doctors, and guidance counsellors. Blue Cross (Thank you Jesus for insurance and free health care) has paid hundreds to thousands of dollars in anti-depressants, mood stabilizers, hormone balancers, and anxiolytics. I have tried every alternative therapy I have ever heard of - massage, mediation, prayer, reiki, healing touch, reflexology, music therapy, art therapy, and even pet therapy. I have tried all the holistic approaches for coping such as surrounding myself with positive people, attending a church, volunteering, finding hobbies I enjoy in my spare time, exercising, eating healthy, taking vitamins and getting proper sleep every night. I do not smoke cigarettes or marijuana, snort cocaine, take ecstasy, try acid, experiment with mushrooms, get high on MDMA, get roofied, or smoke crack. I have never been a prostitute and I do not engage in promiscuous activity. I don't have a baby daddy or a baby. I'm not on welfare. I am heterosexual. I do not have any STI's. I am not suffering from a terminal or chronic physical illness. I am not handicapped. I do not have a learning disability. I was not born out of wedlock. I am not overweight. I am not underweight. I am not rich. I am not famous. I am NORMAL and I suffer with a MENTAL ILLNESS.

Research states that it's hard to know and pinpoint just exactly how one develops a mental illness. Some say genetics, some say it's the environment you grow up in, and some say both.

For me, it's definitely a combination of both. I never met my paternal grandfather, but my paternal grandmother did suffer from a bipolar disorder. Now while a bipolar disorder is very different to depression in its manifestations, the brain changes which takes place are quite similar. Without going all science-geek on you, bipolar disorder and depression are very similar in the way there is disfunction with the neurotransmitters in the brain, in particular, serotonin and norepinephrine. Basically, all a neurotransmitter is, is a brain chemical which communicates between the brain and the body. It is what is responsible for giving us emotion and feeling. The body becomes aware of the stimuli around it, determines if it's negative or positive, and the brain gives you an emotion to react in response to that stimuli accordingly. When there is disconnect or abnormal levels of these neurotransmitters (either too high or too low), this is how many mood disorders can commence.

While I definitely have the genetic factor already predisposing me to having a mental illness, I can admit that growing up wasn't the easiest for me. It's really hard for me to talk about and reflect on as it brings back a thousand bad memories. But that being said, I was still a pretty normal kid. I liked Disney movies, playing in mud, begging my parents to death to take me to McDonald's everyday, dancing to Spice Girls, having a crush on Jonathan Taylor Thomas, collecting Beanie Babies, and making my Barbie and Ken doll kiss each other. My parents loved me and my brother a lot and pushed us to be the best people we could be in life. Furthermore, from a very early age, I was brought up in the church and the teaching of Jesus - That His love and mercy could surpass any brokenness or hurt I would ever encounter in life. My love and faith in Christ is a living testament as to why I am alive right now to even be able to write this blog. Though I am small and have many imperfections and flaws, God has created me in his perfect image and sees me as nothing but beautiful and that I can do all things possible through Him who strengthens me.

Growing up as a Christian WITH a mental illness has certainly had its challenges. While it makes testimony-telling night interesting, a lot of people are perplexed as to if I am really a Christian? Some people seem to think that IF I truly loved God and accepted and followed Him, that I would not suffer from mental illness. I have even talked to more "eccentric" (I'm being nice..) folk who have had reason to believe there is a demon summoned inside of me, causing all of my irrational thoughts about myself. While I do believe demon possession is a real thing, I also do have reason to believe that what I am suffering from is a medical condition. No, God did not intend for this to happen to me, any more than he intends kids with Spina Bifida to end up in wheelchairs or for people to be born blind and deaf. I did not choose to have a mental illness, but I can be strong and brave and get through life learning to COPE with it.

Learning to cope with a mental illness is like learning to play guitar and whistle at the same time while closing your eyes. I'm sure it can be done, but it takes a lot of practice. And a lot of times, you need a teacher. A very good teacher at that, and finding that teacher is difficult. Sometimes, when you are in desperate need of relieving the symptoms that a mental illness can cause, you tend to resort to doing irrational things. I can't speak for everyone, as everyone has different coping mechanisms, but for me, I used to control my emotions with food. When I hit the peak of my depression to the point at which I was feeling loss of control, I would stop eating or overeat. Subconsciously, if I couldn't control what was happening with my life and body, I would control what I put into it. I spent the bulk of my adolescence being very thin, and while I do have a fast metabolism to begin with, it was mostly due to me eating very, very little, sometimes only 200 or 300 calories in a day. In university, I developed the opposite problem. I would overeat in response to stress and how it made me feel. At 20 years old, I had gained almost 30 lbs in two months. I would very soon become aware of what I was doing to myself. I would then create a whole other cycle of depression and low-self esteem and try to reverse THAT problem by starving myself yet again to feel power, control and confidence.

Creating the optimal outer "core" is prime when you struggle with a mental illness. If you can convince yourself and the world that you look and feel fabulous, you start to believe that everything is a-ok, even if it's not. In university, I can honestly say I would not leave the house unless I was of Victoria Secret model quality. My hair and makeup was always done to perfection, in which I would spend hours on every single morning. I always had to have an outfit on that was of the latest trend and flattered my figure. I did what I did so that I would get attention, from everybody - girls and boys. I worked out constantly when I wasn't in school, studying, sleeping, or partying with my friends. Lots of boys wanted to date me. Lots of girls wanted to be my friend. I did it all to be happy. And for the longest time, I sincerely thought I was and could even forget what a mental illness was and that I even had one. I let my flawless image, countless acquaintances and good grades fool everyone. Including myself. I was constantly suffering from anxiety, fearful as to what people thought of me, and I did whatever I could so people would like and be attracted to me.

The thing which has been taking me all these years to try and figure out, is to be HONEST. To embrace who am I, love myself for it, and surround myself with people who will love me for me regardless if I'm in a joyious mood and looking like Barbie, or sad to the depths of despair where putting clean clothes on is a huge effort for me. It's easy to say, "Yeah, Hell yeah! I LOVE myself!" when things are going great and you are feeling great about it. But when times get tough, a person with a mental illness REALLY needs a support system who are going to be there for when that person crashes and to help pull themself together again.

The thing is about people with mental illnesses is that we AREN'T crazy. We have the capability to love and be your friend and want to have fun in life just as much as the next person. We just sometimes need a little support and help. Just like a kid in a wheelchair needs help getting up a wheelchair ramp, people with mental illnesses sometimes need a bit of help getting out of an emotional rut just through love, care and support. I know half of you don't even know what it means to have a mental illness or to even begin to know how to help someone with a mental illness. But what people NEED to understand is that we don't expect you to have the ANSWERS we are looking for on our pursuit of happiness. We just want you to hold our hand on the way while we try to get there.

I hope you all have a great day.

I dedicate this journal entry to all my friends and family who have loved me and taken it upon themselves to go on this journey with me of pursuing happiness. :)

So, I started out my last journal entries with full intention of having lovely, positive and hopeful things to say about 2013 and my optimism for 2014. But I do have to say, 2014 has been starting out on a very weird note for me and I would be lying if I said that every day has been rainbows and I've been achieving all these goals and working on my New Years' Resolution. Bull shit.

It's not that anything traumatic has happened or that things have been difficult for me. Life, for the most part, has been pretty easy. I work at a job I enjoy with people I love and get along great with. I have a good relationship with my boyfriend and we live in a lovely house in a lovely neighbourhood with a lovely car in a lovely city. I have found and made friends with lovely people. I have, for the first time in my life, everything I have really ever wanted for a 25-year old girl starting out in my career.

But while everything should be going just "lovely", I feel so lost and unhappy.

I look in the mirror and I am never satisfied with who I am. I am constantly comparing myself to other people. I find it hard to be around people who have what I strive to achieve and just can't seem to get there. I just can't seem to "do it good enough" or live up to my own standards that I want for myself. I judge people inside my head who have made decisions for their life that, to me, seem preposterous, impractical and immature, even though they are usually the people happier than I am.

Even as I type this entry, I am self-critcizing my own writing for it not being good enough.

I am constantly making lists inside of my head whether I try to or not of things in which I am not happy with and want to change.

I want to be skinnier. I want better skin.  I wish my hair was longer. I wish I didn't need to get drunk to go socialize with people at a party. I wish I was smarter. I wish I was more creative. I wish I was more motivated. I wish, I want, I wish. I fucking wish I was more confident...

People who have never struggled with depression, anorexia, bulimia, anxiety or any self-loathing disorder probably have no idea what I am talking about. Most people do not know what it is to have a lingering feeling of self-hatred and struggling to make it go away, but it never does.

Sometimes, certain things and people can lessen the intensity. Surrounding yourself with positive people, doing things you enjoy doing and are good at in your spare time, going to church, staying healthy. All of those things are excellent examples as to how one can better their own self-worth. But, unfortunately, the majority of people who suffer from conditions like depression, anxiety, eating disorders usually resort to things like promiscuity, substance abuse, unhealthy relationships in an attempt to avoid loneliness, and striving for perfectionism.

I have experienced all those negative things in an attempt to regain some self-esteem. And obviously, none of those things worked, which therefore perpetuated a cycle of me falling back into the depression circle, looking for the quickest escape route I can take.

I can tell you for a fact, at least, I know how all of this began and got out of hand. It was four years ago when I decided I was going to try to change myself in order to make someone else happy...

The worst decision I have ever made and the reason as to why today, I struggle so much with insecurity to a point where no human being could ever comprehend why.

It's a brand new year... :)

Happy New Year! It's 2014! Holy crap, where has the time gone?!

2013 has been a great and eventful year and I've been changed in so many ways for the better.
I want to start this blog entry by simply reflecting on the events of 2013. Not saying I'm going to finish this entry all in one night, but I want to go through each month, highlighting everything I experienced for that month in 2013. I can honestly say, it was probably one of the best years of my life. Thanks to God for providing and surrounding me with amazing people and a great family! I have been MORE than blessed :)

January:
Unfortunately, I had a negative start to my year. I lost my Grandma on January 5, 2013. I'll never forget the call from my dad as I repeated the words over and over again, "Dad? Are you serious? What?" as Taylor tried to hold me and help me through the tears. Christmas had just ended and I was not at all prepared financially to get myself to her funeral, even though I felt like I really needed to be there. I was so blessed for Taylor and his family's support to give me Air miles to help me fly oversees to England for Grandma's funeral and be with my family. I was happy to stay with my Auntie Karen and Uncle Ashton in their beautiful home in Benfleet, Essex and spend some quality time with them. I even got to see a musical at the Victoria Theatre - "The Lion King" - in which I was nearly in tears of pure joy watching. I did a good bit of sightseeing, even though I had been to London a few times before (a lot can change in 6 years!) and met up with my old high school friend, Danielle who is living and attending school in London.

Watching my beautiful grandmother at rest being lowered into the ground may seem like a morbid image for most, but for me, I had nothing but a calming peace come over me. Grandma had lived 86 years of a good life and was going to be with God. The song which stayed in my head throughout the entire trip was "It is well with my soul". As sad as death can be, I take pride in the fact that I had 24 years to know and have a strong relationship with my grandma. She watched me grow up over the years to become the woman that I am and I know she is proud. Sure, it would have been lovely for her to see me get married, or to see my first baby, but she at 86 years had witnessed events in her children and grandchildren's lives that not many people have the opportunity to see. She had experienced what Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs describes as "Self-Actualization" - the point at which a person reaches their full potential in life and the realization of that potential. I am so happy for her and know she will have peace for eternity with the Lord.

After coming back from my oversees trip, I was delighted to spend an entire weekend with three beautiful friends of mine (Jackie, Lindsay and Jennifer) from Meadow Lake. It was lovely to be surrounded by such positive girls and we had more than our share of fun!

Also in January, I had a brand new roommate move in named Jennifer Carbert. As much as we both were dissatisfied with living in the town of Meadow Lake, she helped me find myself spiritually and connect with God again. I am so glad that we became such good friends. She was more than a blessing to live with during that time in my life.


Stay tuned for more.. :)

XOXO
-E

Thankful : )

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!

I had a great Thanksgiving Day today at Taylor's sister Haley's house. It was not my traditional turkey and Jigg's Dinner that us Newfies eat at every major holiday, but it was super delicious. :) I am more than thankful to have a second family away from my real one in Newfoundland.

I wish I had taken some pictures of this beautiful fall day. But lately, I've been trying less and less to live my life through the eyes of an IPhone camera and just experience everything for what it's worth. No amount of technology can ever produce the memories you have in your head. Not just what things looked like, but the feelings you felt that day, the conversations you had with people, the way things smelled, tasted, sounded. You can never capture those things on a camera.

That being said, I do love fall pictures, and plan on taking a few before I leave this little town. The gold and red leaves outside my window will surely be missed :(

I have so much to be thankful for this season.

1. A good paying, full-time permanent job - This is so hard to find for people in my age group, just fresh out of post-secondary education. Especially nurses, nowadays. Most nurses I know are working casual jobs for the first few years of their career, not knowing if they will be receiving a pay check from one week to the next.

2. Supportive friends and family - Making friends in Meadow Lake was hard, but I am more than grateful for the new ones I did make, as well as the ones I always have back in Newfoundland. And of course, I have all of Taylor's family here which I have now become a part of, as well as my own family, which I've had the pleasure of visiting a few times over the course of my time out here in the Prairies.

3. A very supportive boyfriend - I, for the first time in my life, feel like I am in a relationship that is completely unconditional. My boyfriend loves me for who I am and I don't ever feel I need to change any aspect of myself to make him happy. It's pretty freaking amazing. Did I mention he is 100% adorable??! I am blessed. :)

4. A working vehicle - After spending so many years without a car or license, I can really appreciate the value of having a car. Having to walk all over the place in minus 40 degree weather really made me appreciate my car when I did finally get one this past June.

5. Access to healthy food and clean water - This is a mere luxury in most of the world. I am more than fortunate to live in Canada where clean water is readily available and have a good paying job where i can afford to buy fresh produce and whole foods.

6. Good Health - After working for a nurse for year, I know that health is never something we should ever take for granted. You never know when illness or injury is at your door. Thank God everyday for your ability to live a healthy life!

7. A roof over my head in a safe place to live - I have no worries about my house being bombed or that I need to live in fear from persecution for my race, creed or economic status. God has more than blessed our country. :)

8. Freedom of speech and beliefs - It's so hard to belief that I could easily be killed for just being a Christian in some countries. Furthermore, the fact that I have an open blog on the internet, expressing my thoughts, feelings and opinions is warrant enough to have me persecuted as well. I thank God everyday for my ability to opening live out of my faith :)

I hope you all had a very safe and happy Canadian Thanksgiving!!  :)

XOXO
-E