Pushing on..

These past few months have been very difficult for me. I feel like sometimes I've been in hiding from the world when I've ran out of enough "I'm doing okay", masks and costumes to put on in the run of a day, week or month.

It's been so hard for me to be happy or to feel like everything will be okay. I've been constantly anxious, losing sleep, losing hair from stress, and feeling angry at life.

I feel like somedays, I'm in the pit of a giant and tall well looking up and seeing only a glimmer of light. I am expected to function like a normal human being even in the pit of that well.

I have my days where things are looking up and I am happy, positive and encouraging. The next minute, I'm down in the well again. I hide in my room under the blankets. I pinterest for up to hours on end and contemplate if my life is worth living anymore..

A few months ago, the end of February, I decided to seek out professional counselling again. From that, I was referred to a psychiatrist and received a word to sum up the reasoning for how I was feeling. Bi-polar Disorder.

Those words creep me out so much. I am a nurse, so I am fully aware of what that diagnosis means. People will think you are crazy. People will know you are completely, fucking insane. Who will want to talk to me? Who will understand? Will I have friends anymore? Will I ever be happy again?

It all made sense to me, how I had been feeling. I could honestly be perfectly fine one moment, and without warning, be triggered by seeing something which makes me sad or reminds me of something that upset me in the past and I'm back in "the well". But when I was happy, oh! I was the happiest person alive and no one could feel the intensity of joy I felt in that exact manic moment.

It's hard to write this. It's hard to be completely real with people and admit that you suffer with mental illness. No one really gets it or understands it unless you have it yourself. But I feel like I do need to write, to gain freedom and control over my disease.

While I'll never be cured of this, I can control it. Growing in my relationship with God is the easiest and best thing to do, especially during my "down" days. Music is another. Singing, recording music and playing keyboard brings light into my life during the darkness. Medication is the easiest opinion for a health care professional to suggest, and for a lot of people this is very effective. But what people need to understand is that many psych medications can have different side effects on many different people. For example, a side effect of the medication Fluoxetine (an antidepressant) given to a person with a Major Depression Disorder can cause Suicidal Ideation. You have to be so careful and research exactly what you are putting into your body and it's long-term effects.

I've been on two different types of psych medication in the past, and I have to say, neither had been effective for me. I will continue to be on the pursuit of finding something that works well for me, but at the moment I am unmedicated.

I will try and stay positive that better things are coming my way.

That reminds me…It's my BIRTHDAY tomorrow :)

xoxo

-E