So, I started out my last journal entries with full intention of having lovely, positive and hopeful things to say about 2013 and my optimism for 2014. But I do have to say, 2014 has been starting out on a very weird note for me and I would be lying if I said that every day has been rainbows and I've been achieving all these goals and working on my New Years' Resolution. Bull shit.

It's not that anything traumatic has happened or that things have been difficult for me. Life, for the most part, has been pretty easy. I work at a job I enjoy with people I love and get along great with. I have a good relationship with my boyfriend and we live in a lovely house in a lovely neighbourhood with a lovely car in a lovely city. I have found and made friends with lovely people. I have, for the first time in my life, everything I have really ever wanted for a 25-year old girl starting out in my career.

But while everything should be going just "lovely", I feel so lost and unhappy.

I look in the mirror and I am never satisfied with who I am. I am constantly comparing myself to other people. I find it hard to be around people who have what I strive to achieve and just can't seem to get there. I just can't seem to "do it good enough" or live up to my own standards that I want for myself. I judge people inside my head who have made decisions for their life that, to me, seem preposterous, impractical and immature, even though they are usually the people happier than I am.

Even as I type this entry, I am self-critcizing my own writing for it not being good enough.

I am constantly making lists inside of my head whether I try to or not of things in which I am not happy with and want to change.

I want to be skinnier. I want better skin.  I wish my hair was longer. I wish I didn't need to get drunk to go socialize with people at a party. I wish I was smarter. I wish I was more creative. I wish I was more motivated. I wish, I want, I wish. I fucking wish I was more confident...

People who have never struggled with depression, anorexia, bulimia, anxiety or any self-loathing disorder probably have no idea what I am talking about. Most people do not know what it is to have a lingering feeling of self-hatred and struggling to make it go away, but it never does.

Sometimes, certain things and people can lessen the intensity. Surrounding yourself with positive people, doing things you enjoy doing and are good at in your spare time, going to church, staying healthy. All of those things are excellent examples as to how one can better their own self-worth. But, unfortunately, the majority of people who suffer from conditions like depression, anxiety, eating disorders usually resort to things like promiscuity, substance abuse, unhealthy relationships in an attempt to avoid loneliness, and striving for perfectionism.

I have experienced all those negative things in an attempt to regain some self-esteem. And obviously, none of those things worked, which therefore perpetuated a cycle of me falling back into the depression circle, looking for the quickest escape route I can take.

I can tell you for a fact, at least, I know how all of this began and got out of hand. It was four years ago when I decided I was going to try to change myself in order to make someone else happy...

The worst decision I have ever made and the reason as to why today, I struggle so much with insecurity to a point where no human being could ever comprehend why.

It's a brand new year... :)

Happy New Year! It's 2014! Holy crap, where has the time gone?!

2013 has been a great and eventful year and I've been changed in so many ways for the better.
I want to start this blog entry by simply reflecting on the events of 2013. Not saying I'm going to finish this entry all in one night, but I want to go through each month, highlighting everything I experienced for that month in 2013. I can honestly say, it was probably one of the best years of my life. Thanks to God for providing and surrounding me with amazing people and a great family! I have been MORE than blessed :)

January:
Unfortunately, I had a negative start to my year. I lost my Grandma on January 5, 2013. I'll never forget the call from my dad as I repeated the words over and over again, "Dad? Are you serious? What?" as Taylor tried to hold me and help me through the tears. Christmas had just ended and I was not at all prepared financially to get myself to her funeral, even though I felt like I really needed to be there. I was so blessed for Taylor and his family's support to give me Air miles to help me fly oversees to England for Grandma's funeral and be with my family. I was happy to stay with my Auntie Karen and Uncle Ashton in their beautiful home in Benfleet, Essex and spend some quality time with them. I even got to see a musical at the Victoria Theatre - "The Lion King" - in which I was nearly in tears of pure joy watching. I did a good bit of sightseeing, even though I had been to London a few times before (a lot can change in 6 years!) and met up with my old high school friend, Danielle who is living and attending school in London.

Watching my beautiful grandmother at rest being lowered into the ground may seem like a morbid image for most, but for me, I had nothing but a calming peace come over me. Grandma had lived 86 years of a good life and was going to be with God. The song which stayed in my head throughout the entire trip was "It is well with my soul". As sad as death can be, I take pride in the fact that I had 24 years to know and have a strong relationship with my grandma. She watched me grow up over the years to become the woman that I am and I know she is proud. Sure, it would have been lovely for her to see me get married, or to see my first baby, but she at 86 years had witnessed events in her children and grandchildren's lives that not many people have the opportunity to see. She had experienced what Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs describes as "Self-Actualization" - the point at which a person reaches their full potential in life and the realization of that potential. I am so happy for her and know she will have peace for eternity with the Lord.

After coming back from my oversees trip, I was delighted to spend an entire weekend with three beautiful friends of mine (Jackie, Lindsay and Jennifer) from Meadow Lake. It was lovely to be surrounded by such positive girls and we had more than our share of fun!

Also in January, I had a brand new roommate move in named Jennifer Carbert. As much as we both were dissatisfied with living in the town of Meadow Lake, she helped me find myself spiritually and connect with God again. I am so glad that we became such good friends. She was more than a blessing to live with during that time in my life.


Stay tuned for more.. :)

XOXO
-E

Thankful : )

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!

I had a great Thanksgiving Day today at Taylor's sister Haley's house. It was not my traditional turkey and Jigg's Dinner that us Newfies eat at every major holiday, but it was super delicious. :) I am more than thankful to have a second family away from my real one in Newfoundland.

I wish I had taken some pictures of this beautiful fall day. But lately, I've been trying less and less to live my life through the eyes of an IPhone camera and just experience everything for what it's worth. No amount of technology can ever produce the memories you have in your head. Not just what things looked like, but the feelings you felt that day, the conversations you had with people, the way things smelled, tasted, sounded. You can never capture those things on a camera.

That being said, I do love fall pictures, and plan on taking a few before I leave this little town. The gold and red leaves outside my window will surely be missed :(

I have so much to be thankful for this season.

1. A good paying, full-time permanent job - This is so hard to find for people in my age group, just fresh out of post-secondary education. Especially nurses, nowadays. Most nurses I know are working casual jobs for the first few years of their career, not knowing if they will be receiving a pay check from one week to the next.

2. Supportive friends and family - Making friends in Meadow Lake was hard, but I am more than grateful for the new ones I did make, as well as the ones I always have back in Newfoundland. And of course, I have all of Taylor's family here which I have now become a part of, as well as my own family, which I've had the pleasure of visiting a few times over the course of my time out here in the Prairies.

3. A very supportive boyfriend - I, for the first time in my life, feel like I am in a relationship that is completely unconditional. My boyfriend loves me for who I am and I don't ever feel I need to change any aspect of myself to make him happy. It's pretty freaking amazing. Did I mention he is 100% adorable??! I am blessed. :)

4. A working vehicle - After spending so many years without a car or license, I can really appreciate the value of having a car. Having to walk all over the place in minus 40 degree weather really made me appreciate my car when I did finally get one this past June.

5. Access to healthy food and clean water - This is a mere luxury in most of the world. I am more than fortunate to live in Canada where clean water is readily available and have a good paying job where i can afford to buy fresh produce and whole foods.

6. Good Health - After working for a nurse for year, I know that health is never something we should ever take for granted. You never know when illness or injury is at your door. Thank God everyday for your ability to live a healthy life!

7. A roof over my head in a safe place to live - I have no worries about my house being bombed or that I need to live in fear from persecution for my race, creed or economic status. God has more than blessed our country. :)

8. Freedom of speech and beliefs - It's so hard to belief that I could easily be killed for just being a Christian in some countries. Furthermore, the fact that I have an open blog on the internet, expressing my thoughts, feelings and opinions is warrant enough to have me persecuted as well. I thank God everyday for my ability to opening live out of my faith :)

I hope you all had a very safe and happy Canadian Thanksgiving!!  :)

XOXO
-E

New Beginnings

Hello Blogworld,

I have been awful with blogging, that is for sure, but it sure keeps my posts interesting when I have so much to talk about after not blogging for a long time.

So many great new changes in my life that I am more than grateful for.

The biggest news - I am moving!!!

This is probably the happiest news I have to give as I have not been myself for quite some time while living in Meadow Lake. I always knew from the start that I was only meant to be in this town for such a short period of time. I did meet a lot of amazing people who will be in my life forever and of course, the love of my life. But once a year was up of me living here, I knew that I would need to go somewhere else to be truly happy. A bigger place where I could get lost and feel completely surrounded by people.

My boyfriend and I both felt we needed to make this move together. He had been living in Meadow Lake his entire life and really needed a change. Once my contract was up for my job in August, I started the aggressive search for a new job in our favourite city - Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. After a month of job applications, resume editing, cover letter writing and calling up all potential employers, I finally received a call for a community health position in a town just outside of Saskatoon. It was full-time permanent, Monday-Friday with my weekends and holidays off and it would give me a little break from the hectic acute care life of a hospital nurse.

My emotional and physical health was really beginning to suffer as I was constantly stressed out and unhappy with my job, had difficulty sleeping and therefore I would get countless infections and illnesses every couple of months. I just needed to put my foot down and start taking care of myself again. I needed to be happy and healthy for myself first before I could ever begin to help improve the health of someone else.

As soon as I got the job, my boyfriend and I began looking for apartments in the city. I have always dreamed of living in an old Victorian-style, 1930's era house in the middle of Saskatoon, close to the Broadway Avenue area of the city. This is where the arts community is in Saskatoon with lots of quaint shops and local musical talent in various little pubs and bars.

I prayed and prayed that we would get an apartment in this area. Low and behold, an opportunity became available to rent a house in this area and as soon as we saw it, we fell completely in love.

I CANNOT WAIT to decorate this place for Halloween and Christmas!!! :)

Not two weeks after getting our house, Taylor also got a position for a good job in the city. We officially start moving stuff this week. Everything has been working out so well for us!

And better news, my family will be visiting for Christmas !! I can hardly wait :)

We have been more than blessed and I thank God every day for all the good things we've been receiving. The best part of it is that we get to share our new blessings with each other and we're well on our way to making both our lives into one. :)

Happy Thanksgiving weekend, everyone :) Remember to count your blessings as we have SO MUCH to be thankful for!

XOXO
-E

Now what?

I know, guys. I'm absolutely horrible at updating my life on this. But I'm going to try to make a good effort in doing so.

It's hard to believe only one short year ago, I had no idea where my life was going after I just graduated from my nursing degree. I had no idea where I would end up, the people I'd meet, etc.. So much has changed and I've learned a TON of lessons along the way.

Rule #1. Make an effort to keep the good people in your life and ignore the ones who aren't kind. Life is too short to spend time with people who are just going to bring you down.

Rule #2. Always stay positive. Even when times are grim, the sun will always come out tomorrow!

Rule #3. Do things that make you happy. (Same goes for being around people that make you happy)

Rule #4. Do what YOU want to do, even if to others, it makes no sense.

Rule #5. Take risks (within reason). You won't know until you try.

Rule #6. Always, always, always follow God!

I have accomplished lots of things and have learned so much. One big recent thing off my bucket list:

I FINALLY HAVE MY DRIVER'S LICENSE!!!!

Not to mention, a spankin' NEW CAR! ;) Yes friends, I am now the proud owner of a 2013 Kia Soul.

Now that I have that goal achieved, I have made myself a couple lists of short and long-term goals:

Short-term Goals:
1. Have $10-15,000 saved up by the end of this year
2. Start a serious youtube channel
3. Buy a good recording camera
4. Buy a decent guitar
5. Buy a decent keyboard
6. Grow out my hair pass my shoulders by Christmas
7. Get a job closer to a big city
8. Get a job in an area of nursing that I'm content in
9. Make new friends
10. Take some music theory courses

Long-term Goals:
1. Get married
2. Own a small farmhouse in an acreage on the outskirts of a city
3. Have my own fruit and vegetable garden
4. Go on a missions trip somewhere
5. Visit Israel / rest of Europe
6. Take a vacation to Disneyworld
7. Have kids
8. Do my Master's in Music Therapy
9. Pay off my student loans

Hope you all have a great weekend :)

XOXO
-E

Back to my roots..

Yes, friends. I am home sweet home. Not for good. But for a nice, three-week vacation. A getaway from the 'Scary Praries'.

I have never been so happy to call this place home. I have completely fallen in love with the people, place and scenery all over again. A HUGE part of me does not want to go back..

I have been enjoying life to the fullest and spending time with people that matter the most to be. I never will take for granted my family and friends that I have here in Newfoundland ever again.

I also will have the privilege of spending my 25th birthday here in my hometown (only TWO days away!). My friend Kandace (who's birthday is on May 10th) and I will be celebrating our birthdays together with a big 90's themed party. Super, duper excited for that!

I am so blessed to have these amazing people :)

It's been awhile..

Yes, I am back.

I've disappeared from blogworld for about 6 months (whoa.) but I figured it's due time to come back. I've made several attempts to try and come back, updating everyone as to what exactly has gone on in my life for me to disappear from blogging, but after 4 failed attempts of trying to get back on this, I decided that updating with everything that has gone on in my life would take far too long. It would be like sitting down for coffee with an old friend for two hours to tell them everything that has gone on and even still, you almost always forget to insert important details. So I said, whatever. Ill just blog.

The last 6 months has been a big whirlwind and a blur for me. In a nutshell, I can say that I have completely severed ties with an old and destructive relationship, started a complete new and beautiful relationship with someone else, been outrageously depressed in this small town, visited England to bury my Grandmother, did a 30-hour road trip to a conference in Kansas City and back while visiting Mount Rushmore on the way, rekindled my relationship with God at this said conference, made new friends, realized who my real friends were and who weren't, discovered what real sadness and what real happiness is, and rediscovered how blessed I really am .

I am still in a rut, trying to decide and figure out who I am and what I want to do.

I am going back to my hometown in 6 days and could not be more excited. I'll be there for three weeks. I am beyond happy to spend time and reconnect with old friends.

I've been using a new verse/ Chapter/ book of the bible to get me through each week. Last week was Romans. This week it's Joshua.

What shall next week bring? :)