Reflection

I've been home now for a week and a half from my mini vacation to Toronto. It was a much needed vacation, dare I say, and since I've been back to my hometown, I've certainly been feeling alot more refreshed, rejuvinated, revived, and relaxed.

I am sooo anxious about going back to school. I actually cannot wait. I love to learn, as nerdy as this sounds. But I've accepted my fate a long time ago that I am without a doubt a Grade A nerd. Isn't that punny. I'm really not funny, but I try.


I love going back to school shopping. I love getting all my new fancy school supplies at staples. Flowered binders in fruity colors. Pretty neon sticky tabs and highlighters. Best of all, new fashionable duds.

I think I will do a photo blog on all the trends and fashions for this upcomming fall season. I know, I am a huge nerd.

I've been using alot of my spare time due to a lack of consistant shifts at my work to reflect on myself, my personality, my likes, my dislikes, my positive and negative attributes, etc..

I have learned about myself that I am a very expressive person. I am not and have SELDOM ever been shy. I love being in front of a crowd. I love showing people who I am. I am not obnoxious, but I would consider myself to have a relatively strong personality. I am very emotional and can experience a million different emotions in one day. My emotions are also very defined from each other. You can tell right away if I'm happy, mad, scared, sad, confused or bored. I cannot hide what I am feeling, even if I try. My mom really encouraged me to do this as I grew up, to be true to myself and express myself appropriately how I felt. Obviously, she did not mean for me to go slashing tires and breaking windows when I was angry. But if someone said something to me that was not right and it provoked me to become upset, my mother always encouraged me to confront the person about it in an assertive manner.

One of my bigger fears is that someone will get the wrong impression of me. I'm afraid that someone will tottally misread me to believe that I am A. Stupid B. Conceited / Self Absorbed C. Untrustworthy. I strive to be NONE of those things. I really hope I'm doing a good job at it.

I really want people to just accept me as I am. I want people to see that I am real. I have good and bad qualities. I try to improve the good and work on eliminating that bad (or use the bad to do good, in some situations). I feel I cannot get close with someone unless I can let loose and be myself. I have to feel like I can TRUST someone to have faith in me before I can completely have faith in them.

I think trust is sooo important. I dislike VERY few people. I find a good few people annoying, but they are still tolerable. I cannot tolerate people I cannot trust. Dishonesty REALLYYYY bothers me.

I would much rather be around someone who is an outright snob, than for someone to pretend to be nice and do bitchy things in secret.

I think, for the most part, I am confident on my own. I have a terrible habit of comparing myself to others alot, but when I really think about it, I'm content with who I am.

I am girly.
I am bad at sports. I wish I were good, but my parents never encouraged me to play sports as a child. In jr. high, I was always the last one picked for sports teams, therefore decreasing my confidence in my sporting abilities.
One sport I am actually decent at is badminton.
I love fashion.
I love helping people to feel good about themselves.
I love dressing up. Whether that be in costumes or fancy attire.
I love music.
I love embracing my African-American heritage.
I love exploring other cultures.
I still watch cartoons sometimes.
I am open minded.
I love to be in front of a crowd.
etc..

Sometimes I wish I was more charasmastic. Maybe I am and I don't realise. I do have an ample amount of friends. What is it about me that people are drawn to?

Sometimes I wonder what Matthew really thinks about me. I know he loves me, but I often wonder why? Haha. I know I can be a huge pain in the butt sometimes.

When I ask people this question, "What's the first thing that comes to mind when you think about ________", people always respond "Pretty!". This pisses me off.
I really don't want to be known for what I look like. Ugly or pretty, that's for you to decide, but honestly, I'd rather be known for a remarkable personality and remarkable things I've done to help other people.

Heaven forbid, if I am to leave the earth, I'd want to die knowing I made a difference in someone else's life. Whether I saved a life or simply made someone feel good about themself, I honestly want to make sure that it is my life long mission to better the life of someone else.

I guess I picked a good career to go into.

Something I've come to realise that really ticks me off is when people take advantage of others. My mother always taught me, never get someone to do something for you that you can do for yourself. I hate relying on others unless I absolutely have to. Even still, I feel like I owe them something for doing an act of kindness towards me.

I also hate when people do good for others, but only to expect something back in return. I think this is the WORST possible personality trait a person could ever have. It is so unattractive to me. How self-righteous, self centered, and selfish could you be? Basically a person like this does not think of anyone but themselves. I think people like this are a waste in society. They do absolutely nothing for mankind but destroy it. Ugh. I can not think of an uglier personality trait than this. A very disgusting and gut-wrenching personlity trait.

Yes. Dishonest and selfish people. Stay away from me. You do not deserve my time or anyone else's.

I feel like I do not fit in with anyone in the church. I wish I did. Maybe I would have felt more compelled to be obedient to the words of the church. But, I felt so out of place. Like a new kid on the first day of school. Everyone else already has their friends and rhen you come along and it feels like people are only nice to you because it's a good thing to be nice, not because they actually want to be friends with you. I bounced around with several different church groups since I was sixteen, but I always get this same feeling.

I seemed to have struggled with this feeling alot growing up. I never really knew where I fit in. I always seemed to have akwardly different opinions and hobbies than everyone else. I mean, hey it makes me unique. But for a while, it really did a number on my self-confidence. It's only recently that I've gotten to know people who are alot like me. I feel alot less alone in the world.

I am hungry.
Time for a late night snack.

UPCI

Strangeflower, in again for the second time today.

So this is completely random and off-topic from my last few entries, but lately I've been very intrigued by the United Penticostal Church International (UPCI) denomination.

I myself, was brought up in a "mis-mash" of denominations which centered predominately around Penticostal (non-apostolic), Salvation Army and Baptist. My mother was raised Salvation Army, and my father was raised a catholic but converted to Penticostal when he came to Canada.

So, yes. The United Penticostal Church. Yes, I've found this denomination particularly interesting. They hold very conservative values on the contrary of what I've been brought up in. But they also put a great emphasis on the work of the Holy Spirit, which I feel is lacking in alot of churches today.

They believe that in order to be saved you must A. Accept Jesus Christ into your heart as your personal savior / Repenting your sins. B. Be baptised in water. C. Speaking in Tongues as a gift of the Holy Spirit.

I appreciate the faith which this denomination puts in the Holy Spirit for direction in their lives, and I believe that accepting Jesus Christ in your heart and repenting your sins should be a universal act non-specific to any Christian denomination for receiving salvation. However, I do not necessarily agree with that fact that you HAVE to be baptised in the Holy Spirit and speak in Tongues in order to enter the kingdom of heaven. The bible does state, "Pursue love, and desire spiritual gifts, but especially that you may prophesy. For he who speaks in a tongue does not speak to men but to God, for no one understands him; however, in the spirit he speaks mysteries. But he who prophesies speaks edification and exhortation and comfort to men. He who speaks in a tongue edifies himself, but he who prophesies edifies the church. I wish you all spoke in tongues, but even more that you prophesied; for he who prophesies is greater than he who speaks with tongues, unless indeed he interprets, that the church may receive edification." (1 Corinthians 14:1-5)

So I am confused with this.
The bible does not state that speaking in tongues is bad OR that it is essential for salvation. It speaks that speaking in tongues is a good thing, but it is even better if you can use the gift of tongues to prophesy God's word.

Also, the UPCI denomination believes that you must be baptised in water in order to be saved. But in the bible, it states, "He who believes and is baptized will be saved; but he who does not believe will be condemned," (Mark 16:16). I am confused my this passage, because it does state that you must believe and be baptised into order to receive salvation. But if you do not believe, you will be condemned. The bible does not say that you will be condemned if you are not baptised. Also, is the bible refering to water baptism here or the baptism of the Holy Ghost? Or both?

The women of the UPCI church also have very strict standards for the way they dress. They are discouraged from wearing pants or shorts and must wear dresses or skirts that come below the knee. They aren't allowed to cut or trim their hair and are discouraged from wearing any makeup or jewelery.

While I believe alot of these "standards" are biblical, I do not feel they all need to be taken literally.

I would really like to attend a UPCI church service sometime, just to compare it to my own values I've grown up in.

Trying to regain confidence

Strangeflower in for another day.

I spent the day pondering about what I had wrote on my last two entries. I'm so tired of feeling sad. I'm so tired of living in fear and anxiety. I'm so tired of being insecure.

I watched a very inspiring movie yesterday with my boyfriend entitled, "Dead Poets Society." It stars Robin Williams and is very well done. It frequently uses the age-old cliche "Carpe Diem", latin for "seize the day" as the movie's main message.

I guess I can never really predict or control what will happen in life, but I am in control of how I deal with it.

I'm really sick of having these frequent depression swings. I go for months of being happy and then the next moment, something doesn't fall exactly how I thought it would and bang - I become depressed again.

It's a vicious cycle I really want to try and stop.

I just wonder. Why I am like this, to become to stressed out and depressed at these times when other people appear quite fine? Maybe, they aren't fine. Maybe they are just as depressed as I, maybe even worse. Or maybe, they feel even better then fine. Maybe, they are ecstatic about every breath of air they take.

Right now, I just wish I could love life for all it's worth. I'm sure there's alot of great things in it I'm missing.

I wish I could love myself.

I remember the last time I was highly depressed, I felt like reading a passage in the bible.

It's from Psalm 139. It reads:

O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know my sitting down and my rising up.
You understand my thought afar off.
You comprehend my path and my lying down.
If I say, "Surely the darkness shall fall on me,"
Even the night shall be light about me;
Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You.
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and thev light are both alike to You.
For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother's womb.
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made,
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
Your eyes saw my substance being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.
How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would be more in number
than the sand;
When I am awake, I am still with You.
Oh that You would slay the wicked, O God!
Depart from me, therefore, you bloodthirsty men.
For they speak against You wickedly;
Your enemies take Your name in vain.
Do I not hate them, O Lord, who hate You?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
I hate them with perfect hatred;
I count them my enemies.
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.

I always compare myself to others.
Like, my boyfriend. He isn't a Christian, but a very good person. He loves to explore the wonders of life, and loves to learn. I really need to get out of this habit.

I think if I am anything at all, I am real. I've experienced life in various ways from the good, bad and ugly. I think I am the person of whom which alot of people can relate to in some way, shape or form. I don't try to hide my flaws. In fact, alot of times I flaunt my mistakes that I've made. Alot of my mistakes have helped me learn. And what is life without learning?

I know alot of people probably think I'm a hypocrit. But if that's the case, aren't we all hypocrits? Don't we all make mistakes, and then realise down the road how dumb we were for doing what we did? We all do and say contradictory things. We talk bad about others and then preach about how gossip is wrong. We criticise those who drink and smoke, and then during some period of our lives, we too, decide to do the same thing.

I realise that everyone messes up. I realise that everyone contradicts themselves.

I just hope that God's plan for my life is fullfilled.

Depression

Depression.

A very hard to define illness. Usually can only be truly and affirmatively be defined by those who experience the illness itself.

As Webster's may define it: a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason

Possible Symptoms may include:

Sadness or excessive crying
Loss of interest or pleasure in activities that used to be enjoyable
Changes in appetite (more or less) or weight (gaining or losing)
Feeling tired
Difficulty sleeping—too little or too much
Agitation or doing things more slowly
Negative thoughts, including thinking about death
Feeling worthless or guilty
Poor concentration or having difficulty making decisions
Low energy level

I feel all this, yet, I do not know how to grasp this feeling and rid it permanantly from my body. I've been experiencing this intermittently from the time I entered high school at age 15, until now - my second last year of university.

I can think of 4 times in my life where depression has peaked significantly. Right now is reaching the fourth time.

I just feel so low. I feel worthless. Even though everyone tells me I am foolish to believe all of this and that I need to "calm down", I feel like no one cares. I feel I am unable to trust anyone's opinion of me.

Am I too much of an overachiever? I do set high expectations for myself. But it seems no matter how hard I try, I always tend to settle on a lower ground than what I initially intended for myself. I lack the confidence in myself to persevere.

I am fearful of making mistakes. I am fearful of people judging me and deeming me as a failure. I fear mediocracy. I fear of not fullfilling what I've been set on this earth to fullfill.

I want to feel like I am making a difference. Not in my own life, but in someone else's. I want to stand up and make changes for what is right.

At the end of the day, I want God to look down on me and say "Well done".

For as long as I can remember, I have dreamed of becoming a medical physician. An obstetrician and gynecologist. I wanted to work in Sub-Sahara Eastern Africa, treating people with HIV/ AIDS and educate them, counsel them, support them, and love them. I wanted to show the love of Jesus through my words and actions.

To even speak of Jesus's name now, I would feel like a downright hypocrit.

I feel so - stupid, for lack of a better word. I've screwed up, big time.
Through all my years of schooling, my teachers have all told me, "you're a smart girl. You'll become someone great. You have so much potential". I feel like I've let everyone down.

I feel like no one has any faith in me anymore. Not my actions or my words. I feel like people refuse to take me seriously anymore because of the amount of times I've openly screwed up and went against my word. I feel like I've lost so much respect from my friends, my family, everyone.

I'm sick of being just "average". I know I can do better than that.
But right now, that's all I am. Average.