What Next?

So, I'll be honest. I know some people treat this online blog thing like a diary, documenting every major event in their life. I do as well. But I feel like lately, more specifically, the past 7 months, I've been on an emotional roller coaster ride. I have mentioned some things, in brief detail, but I can't say I've fulled expressed every emotion which I've felt inside to sum up how I REALLY feel.

I live in fear that people are going to judge me for making the mistakes I have. Judge me for allowing myself to hit rock bottom.

I'm the type of person that while everything else is burning around me, I put on a mask and pretend that everything for the most part is okay. I think really, that's all you can do. I mean, I was in my final academic semester of my nursing degree. I simply could not afford to let life's problems get in the way of fulfilling my purpose. At the same time though, I did slip. A lot.

I managed to finish my semester with a 4.0 and ridiculously good grades, however, at the end of it, I was completely emotionally exhausted.

If you keep pounding at a brick wall, eventually it does fall down.

I feel like right now, I need to write down everything that has happened to me, every emotion I've been feeling to fully deal with the hurt and pain I've been experiencing. Bear with me. I'm not looking for pity. I'm not looking for a pat on the back. I don't even care if I gain any encouraging words. I just want to express myself in the way I feel is LEAST harmful.

Okay. Here I go, I guess.

Summer 2011 is a mere blur. So much craziness happened within a span of two short months. I was doing relatively okay up until the second week in July. Prior to that, I had been working hard at my preceptorship in general surgery. I turned 23 in May, had a fabulous birthday party and booked a trip in British Columbia for the end of the summer. Matt and I were doing okay, but we weren't the best after I spent living with him the winter while he had a broken back. We thought that going to BC would be an excellent way of strengthening our relationship, and had things not gone as sour as they did, we probably would have had a better relationship. Matt wanted to attend a French camp for 5 weeks in Quebec for half of June and half of July and I was perfectly okay with that. 5 weeks would fly, I thought. I knew I would be busy in preceptorship for the first two weeks he would be gone, and working full time for the last three weeks. Time would surely fly and I would see him soon enough.

For the five weeks he was gone, I did nothing but have lots of fun with my friends. I knew this could have been the last summer I'd spend in Newfoundland for a while, so I wanted to have as much fun as I could. Everything was fine, however, I did find it strange when it was 5 days and I had not heard from Matt. I didn't have long distance on my phone, so I would wait and wait for a phone call, but they never came. Finally, feeling very weirded out by this, I picked up the phone and called the dorm he was staying in. He answered reluctantly and even asked who was calling. I was thinking, well you have no sisters or no other close girl friends, so what other 20-something year old sounding female would be calling you? He was taken back that it was me, and apologized for not calling. "I've been really busy, babe. I'm so sorry." Last time I checked, a phone call can take as much as five minutes of your time. Even an email. Facebook message? But no, nothing. Not one word. I've never been the type of girlfriend to flip out or cause a commotion really, so I just said, "Okay, well it's a bit odd that you haven't called, but at least let me know that you're doing okay."

Part 2 to come..

2012

Hello, brand new year!

Not going to lie. 2011 was pretty shitty for a lot of people. But hopefully, this year is going to be a lot better. 2012 will be a big year of transition for me as I move from student life at home to adult life in the real world with a real job. Ah, scary!

I kind of long for the days again of Polly Pockets, Barney and Duncaroos.

God is pretty much kicking me in the butt and saying, "It's time to grow up, Evannah".

I've had my share of screw-ups in the last 5 months.

So, I want to post a realistic New Year's Resolution for 2012. But before I begin, I should look at the resolutions I made last January to see if I followed through with them all.

2011 New Year's Resolutions:
1. Learn more of the piano = success!

2. Read at least 10 books outside of school books = unsuccessful :(

3. Become involved in 3 big volunteering events (I have Relay for Life on the 29th, which is the first big event) - Success: Relay for Life, Let's Talk Science, and Nursing Orrientation 2011

4. Eat at least 5 servings of fruits / veggies each day = successful-ish

5. Go to the gym at least 3 times a week = successful-ish

6. Save money to go on a trip at the end of the summer with Matt = success!

7. Get my license by the end of 2011 = unsucessful. In my defense, I did go to driving school, but failed my parking on the first try. I'm going to try again this year!

8. Quit binge drinking (I don't drink alot as a rule, and when I do, lately, it's been heavvvvyyy. Need to stop that, pronto!) = ahh, probably about the same before, sooo unsucessful :(

9. Eat less processed foods (Cereals, pasta, juice and yogurt are the only exceptions) = successful-ish

10. Befriend someone I normally wouldn't - success. Her name is Angie. We both worked at the Med Quest Summer Program in 2011. Honestly, I thought she was going to be a mega beyotch when I met her. But she is sweet as pie and we hang out a lot! :)

Okay, so New Year's Resolutions for 2012. *Drum Roll*:
1. Gym three times a week
2. Get a job as a nurse (Hopefully in BC *fingers crossed*!)
3. Be wise about my money. I have vowed not to buy another item of clothing unless it is absolutely necessary for me to have it. I have way too many clothes already.
4. To eat out no more than twice a month
5. Successfully graduate from university
6. Pass my RN exam in June
7. Spend less time on the internet. (eek!)
8. To go out (ie. to a club) no more than once a month (unless it's karaoke, which is free!)
9. Gain a better relationship with God
10. Stay positive :)

I think these are all manageable. With a little faith, trust and pixie dust, I'll be on my way. God has big plans for me this year. I just have to trust in Him. :)