Nursing school

Nursing school is actually driving me crazy.
I think I have aspects of every one of these psychological conditions:

Hypochondriasis
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Bipolar Disorder
Depression
Anxiety
Cyclothymia

I'm on oncology now, which is making me THE WORST. I'm frightened to death of killing a patient. Frightened to death. I'm so scared that if I cough or sneeze just once I need to completely bathe my body in a alcohol-rub dispenser bath. I'm frightened to death they are going to catch some random virus off of me that even I am unaware of just because my immune system is in good shape, and completely kill them all because of their febrile neutropenia.

I have dreams that my hair is falling out because I'm afraid of chemo drugs. I am actually afraid of them. Not that us as student nurses can give them, but if I have to hang a saline IV (let's just say) and the chemo medication is next to it, I freak out inside, man. Freak out.

I become attached to my patients and feel horrible for them and their families because they have to go through such a shitty disease. It makes me mad to watch these people suffer.

And then, I read the pamplets about different types of cancer on my floor and start self diagnosing if I happen to have a couple of the symptoms. Like today, I swore up and down that I had esophageal cancer. I truly did. I have GERD already, which is a cause. I have binged drank in the past, another cause. Plus, I have difficulty swallowing, pain in my chest, and I lost like 10 lbs in the last couple months for no apparent reason - all symptoms. Seriously. I almost cried and everything.

I come home and cry for hours. And then I laugh to kill myself for no reason.

So weird.

I am telling you.


Nursing school makes you freaking crazy.