One step at a time..

I've been very busy these last few weeks, but now that things have finally calmed down (a little bit). I can proudly say that I have officially graduated from my nursing degree and just three weeks ago, completed my national Registered Nurse examination. So what have I been up to? Honestly, not a whole lot, which gives me NO excuse for my lack of blogs, but I'm making it my mission to change that now with all my free time.

My life has been consisting of applying for jobs (with no success, yet), having over the phone interviews (again, with no success..yet), movie nights on Tuesday Cheap Night with other unemployed friends, going for walks in the park and downtown in my city since the weather has been BEAUTIFUL, keeping up with my pinterest addiction, sporadic coffee dates, trips to the new Menchie's frozen yogurt shop here in town (which by the way, is dee-lish!), karaoke, destroying old clothes to make them hip and vintage, making friends with a donkey, making friends with a new girl from Brazil, going to the gym, reading "The Hunger Games" trilogy, and working the odd shift at my part-time job in the nursing home.

Very random and aimless. But it's been keeping my stress levels down as I could allow my mind to think some very negative thoughts about myself for being in this place I am now. I really did not anticipate to be in this position with a nursing degree and no job or form of financial stability or life of my own.

It's kind of embarrassing that I have a perfectly useful degree but I'm still living under my parent's roof, eating their groceries, using up their hot water and electricity. I still do not have my license.

I look at a lot of other people my age and think, wow, they all seem to have to together. They have good paying jobs, maybe already married or engaged, they either own or are in the process of building their own house, they have their own car, and maybe, just maybe, they have entered the stage where they are ready to have kids.

I just feel that right now, I have nothing figured out. I have no idea where I'm going next or what I'm doing. It's a comfort to know that I'm not the only one my age in this predicament. But I'd like to know, from an experienced "life liver", how long this "phase" of not knowing what the heck to do after graduating lasts?

I went into nursing because I felt that it was something that God wanted me to do.  But here I am, degree in hand, all the hard work over, and I'm looking up to the heavens and thinking "Now what?". I know right now, that I'm probably going to have to leave my province. But I'm perfectly okay with that. In fact, I think I need it. The question is, I need some way of getting out of here.

I've been applying for jobs across the country since March and hardly any luck. There are days where I'm hopeful and I try to stay positive that something good will happen. But I have other days where I get depressed. I start to internalize everything and think there must be something wrong with me because I don't have a job.

I'll just stay positive more and pray that good things are coming my way. :)

Hey hey!

Long time, no blog. What has been happening? Where to start? What to say?

Well, all I can say is, the past few months have been craaay-zee! Let me update you.

So on my last blog post, I mentioned that I was planning to do a missions trip to the Dominican Republic-Haitian border with a group of nurses from my university. Well, that plan fell through for a lot of reasons. The main reason was finances. After I signed up for the trip, I tried picking up a few extra hours at my part-time job. At that point in time (and now, for that matter), I did not have a real, big-girl Registered Nurse job, so I was willing to take the plunge and just work at my part-time job (Personal Care Worker in a nursing home) to get some money while I awaited an RN job. I didn't get a lot of hours and if I was offered a real nurse job, I didn't want to have to ask for time off starting as a new nurse. It's probably a very confusing and convoluted story to read, but the main point is that I will not be going on that missions trip in August.

 In all honesty, I have just been living life day-to-day, unsure of what is to come next. I applied for many jobs within and outside of my home province, but I've only gotten responses from health agencies here in my own province. The idea of moving away sounded adventurous and exciting initially, but maybe I'm meant to stay here for a little while longer. Who really knows. My time and energy has been solely put into job hunting, studying for my national RN exam (the exam which legally gives me the right to work as a nurse anywhere in Canada), repining pins on Pinterest, Baking, watching all the seasons of "Saved By the Bell" on DVD, going to the gym and sleeping in until 10:30am everyday. I feel like I'm in my own invented place called, "Life's purgatory" - the awkward stage right after you receive your hard earned degree or college diploma and have NO IDEA what the HECK you are going to do next.

I guess you could call this a "Quarter life Crisis", even though I am not technically at that "quarter" mark yet. One year to go.

Yes. So I just turned 24 this month. 13 days ago, to be exact. The 8th of May. It was the first birthday where I actually felt old. Not sure if it had much to do with me convocating from university, but nonetheless, I felt like an old fart. So old, that myself and a good friend of mine (who turned 23 on May 10th) decided to have a conjoined birthday party that consisted of a theme which was supposed to make us feel young again. A BARBIE birthday party. For the next many years of my career, I will not always be guarenteed to have my birthday off, so I decided to make this birthday extra special. I could easily make myself depressed with the idea that my youth is slipping through my fingers, but like my friend Omar put it "Age is like a good bottle of wine. The older it gets, the better it tastes and the higher its worth!" Happy birthday to me. :)

There is hope..hopefully.

So, here I am. The finish line. My days in this degree are numbered. I am so close. There are so many unknowns. So many new things. So many adventures await me.

The last couple of months have been somewhat depressing. The job hunt isn't going as well as planned. I'm praying for better days.

God does His thing all in the right timing. I just have to be patient, I guess. It's so hard. I want and need money for so many things. I want to get myself situated and established. I'm in so much debt to the government in student loans, I don't even want to think about it. I'm working full-time, without gaining a dime in my pocket. I am so tired all the time, I just come home and go to bed. On my days off, I just want to sleep in until noon and drink on the weekends when I am off with the other depressed nurses. Very bad rut that I've gotten myself in.

Fortunately, I have found something which gives me a mere glimpse of hope.


I am going on a mission trip.

Yes. This summer. August 18-27, I will be going to the Haitian-Dominican border to do medical relief work as a volunteer nurse. This is probably one of the most exciting things that has ever happened to me since one of the main reasons why I did a degree in nursing was so that I could do missions work. Money has always been the main issue for me with going on these trips. But everything lined up right for me to go. My Dad told me that as a grad/birthday/Christmas gift, he would pay for me to go on a vacation somewhere. The rest of my class is going to Mexico on an all-inclusive resort for a week. I could have easily gone. But I'm so sick of wasting my money of frivolous and superficial things such as shopping and drinking. This would be so much more worthwhile.

I prayed to God, crying with pain. Why? God, why? Why do I feel this way? Why is this happening to me? I hate the floor I'm working on. I feel overworked, not paid or gratified enough for what I do. I have no job yet and I am in over my head in debt. I prayed so hard. And this opportunity came up for me to go away.

I will continue to pray more. As bleak as it seems, I know God is not going to fail me. He's allowed me to go into nursing for a reason. He's gotten me this far for a reason. He's going to take me to where I need to go next.

Just have to have a little faith.

:)

Beauty loves.

I'm taking a break from the stress of job applying to lament on things which I love and find beautiful. These are some of my top beauty faves:

1. Thick eyebrows.

That's right, put down those tweezers. Thick eyebrows are making a come-back. They are very European, very natural and very easy to maintain. Pencil-thin eyebrows are so out.



2. Freckles

I know so many girls who hate their freckles and even wear oodles of foundation to cover up their freckles. These beauty specks are all the rage in fashion. They add a sparkle to anyone's face and in my opinion, a sign of pure beauty.



3. Natural, curly hair

If you hair is naturally straight, then it's naturally sraight. But if your hair is naturally curly, let those curls go wild, child! Put down the straighteners and go with your natural do.



4. "No makeup" makeup

All you need is some mascara, concealer to cover dark circles / acne, pressed powder in your skin tone and a nude lip balm. Alexis Bledel pulls this look off beautifully.



5. Virgin hair color

Aka. never-been-dyed. Not only are the harsh chemicals of hair dye harmful to your hair over time, they're very harmful to your body and the environment. However, if you do feel like your hair color does need a boost, watch these youtube tutorials on how you can amplify your natural color using natural ingredients from your kitchen(for brunettes. for blondes. for redheads). Also, using products like henna can give you that instant change without exposing your body to the harmful chemicals contained in hair dye.




6. Long, Rapunzel hair or short, Tinkerbelle hair

This season's hottest hair styles incorporate two extremes. Long flowing tresses or pixie-short. Be careful, always ask for advice from a hair-styling professional before you decide to chop it all off. Very short hair is not complimenting to all face structures. Likewise with very long hair. Most girls can pull off very long hair, but for the select few, it is again, best to seek the advice of a hair professional before you decide to let your hair grow out or get extensions.




There you have it :)

Naive and Optimistic

So, I've been praying a lot lately about what I'm going to do with my life in these upcoming months. All I feel God telling me to do is stay strong and keep a positive attitude. It seems enough, but it's hard most of the time. Right now, my main objective is to get a job and hopefully, get out of Newfoundland. It's not happening as soon as I thought though. So far, I have had zero interviews even though I applied for a handful of jobs. But I know that actually getting the job is in God's hands. All I can do is be hopeful and try my best.

I felt very confident today. I used to be very self-conscious about my appearance before. I would cake on makeup and spend hours trying to look "perfect". Today, I threw on a cropped sweatshirt and jeans and the only makeup I wore was some lip stain. I felt confident in wearing hardly any makeup. You don't have to look like Barbie to feel beautiful. Beauty is feeling comfortable in your own, natural skin.



I'm calling it an "early" night. Lots to do tomorrow. I'm setting daily goals for myself so I don't get stuck in a rut. Meeting at the Career Development Centre, gym, revamping my cover letter and resume, and applying for more jobs. Oh, and looking up articles for my assignment and practicing piano.

Good-night, blogworld.

What Next? Part 3

So, I return with the third part of my story. Anyway, all last semester, I dealt with my pain in such as horrible way. Then, towards the end of the semester, early November, my grandfather passed away. I think that was the catalyst to really make me crumble. The only person I felt I could really go to in the midst of my emotional mess, was Matt.

I was a complete and utter emotional wreck. I took Matthew back a month before Christmas. Things were fine, and still are fine, but I feel helpless still.

I think I've completely lost my mind and respect from everyone. I'm so confused. I lack so much trust. I have so much insecurity than anyone will ever want me for a relationship in every sense of the word.

I don't feel pretty or smart or valuable.

I'm waiting for some Godly intervention to help me out...

What Next? Part 2

I've been extremely busy and have had a lot going on. Hence, the reason why it's taken me two and a half weeks to post.

Okay, so to finish off my story, and none of you are very surprised to realize that I had been in an unfaithful relationship. I had been cheated on for the first time in my life, and can I just say, for those of you who have never experienced the feeling of being cheated on, I really hope you never feel this. For those of you who have experienced it, you know that it is the worst feeling in the entire world. Not only have you lost something so close and dear to your heart, you also lose a piece of yourself. You feel like there is something really wrong with you? Why did he chose her over me? What does she have that I don't? You feel helpless, worthless, and broken. Self-esteem is completely out the window.

After all this happened, I sat down and re-evaluated my life. What to do now? Where to go from here? I had not been single since I was 19 years old. I didn't know who I was or what I wanted. My entire world had been built up around Matthew and the life I thought he wanted with me. We were planning to move away once I was done school and perhaps get married a couple years after. But now. I had no idea.

We had booked a trip to BC before we broke up, so we decided to continue to go, but as friends. We had alot of mutual friends that lived in BC, so when I did see Matthew, it was with a group. I was very good friends with Matthew's aunts that lived on the Sunshine Coast, just outside of Vancouver. I ended up going on a camping and surf trip with them as well as Matthew. What happened? We talked and decided we would still be friends.

The fall semester, I really wanted to try and find myself. But I did it in all the wrong ways. I never realized how insecure infidelity can make you feel until it actually happens. I wanted to feel justified as a woman. I wanted to feel beautiful. I wanted someone to accept me for who I was. I did the worst thing anyone can possibly do after ending a long-running relationship - look for a rebound.

Well, unfortunately, that is exactly what I did. I casually dated a couple of guys. I did this while staying friends with Matthew, and did not tell him. Of course, he found out on his own and that brought along a whole bag of unneeded drama.

I know what I did was dumb. But coming from this situation, you really don't think about what's good and logical. You think about what you can do to get by. It was my last semester I had in nursing school. I had to have good marks. I did whatever I needed to do to give me the confidence to push through.

I tried going back to church, but I struggled so much with that. I know that people knew where I had come from. I was a party girl, in their mind. I left a position as a music and worship leader because I was running back and forth between my Christian-life and my nursing school-social life. I was so afraid of judgment. I felt so ashamed and little by everything I had done. I just wanted to run away and forget everything.


To be continued...