Hey hey!

Long time, no blog. What has been happening? Where to start? What to say?

Well, all I can say is, the past few months have been craaay-zee! Let me update you.

So on my last blog post, I mentioned that I was planning to do a missions trip to the Dominican Republic-Haitian border with a group of nurses from my university. Well, that plan fell through for a lot of reasons. The main reason was finances. After I signed up for the trip, I tried picking up a few extra hours at my part-time job. At that point in time (and now, for that matter), I did not have a real, big-girl Registered Nurse job, so I was willing to take the plunge and just work at my part-time job (Personal Care Worker in a nursing home) to get some money while I awaited an RN job. I didn't get a lot of hours and if I was offered a real nurse job, I didn't want to have to ask for time off starting as a new nurse. It's probably a very confusing and convoluted story to read, but the main point is that I will not be going on that missions trip in August.

 In all honesty, I have just been living life day-to-day, unsure of what is to come next. I applied for many jobs within and outside of my home province, but I've only gotten responses from health agencies here in my own province. The idea of moving away sounded adventurous and exciting initially, but maybe I'm meant to stay here for a little while longer. Who really knows. My time and energy has been solely put into job hunting, studying for my national RN exam (the exam which legally gives me the right to work as a nurse anywhere in Canada), repining pins on Pinterest, Baking, watching all the seasons of "Saved By the Bell" on DVD, going to the gym and sleeping in until 10:30am everyday. I feel like I'm in my own invented place called, "Life's purgatory" - the awkward stage right after you receive your hard earned degree or college diploma and have NO IDEA what the HECK you are going to do next.

I guess you could call this a "Quarter life Crisis", even though I am not technically at that "quarter" mark yet. One year to go.

Yes. So I just turned 24 this month. 13 days ago, to be exact. The 8th of May. It was the first birthday where I actually felt old. Not sure if it had much to do with me convocating from university, but nonetheless, I felt like an old fart. So old, that myself and a good friend of mine (who turned 23 on May 10th) decided to have a conjoined birthday party that consisted of a theme which was supposed to make us feel young again. A BARBIE birthday party. For the next many years of my career, I will not always be guarenteed to have my birthday off, so I decided to make this birthday extra special. I could easily make myself depressed with the idea that my youth is slipping through my fingers, but like my friend Omar put it "Age is like a good bottle of wine. The older it gets, the better it tastes and the higher its worth!" Happy birthday to me. :)

There is hope..hopefully.

So, here I am. The finish line. My days in this degree are numbered. I am so close. There are so many unknowns. So many new things. So many adventures await me.

The last couple of months have been somewhat depressing. The job hunt isn't going as well as planned. I'm praying for better days.

God does His thing all in the right timing. I just have to be patient, I guess. It's so hard. I want and need money for so many things. I want to get myself situated and established. I'm in so much debt to the government in student loans, I don't even want to think about it. I'm working full-time, without gaining a dime in my pocket. I am so tired all the time, I just come home and go to bed. On my days off, I just want to sleep in until noon and drink on the weekends when I am off with the other depressed nurses. Very bad rut that I've gotten myself in.

Fortunately, I have found something which gives me a mere glimpse of hope.


I am going on a mission trip.

Yes. This summer. August 18-27, I will be going to the Haitian-Dominican border to do medical relief work as a volunteer nurse. This is probably one of the most exciting things that has ever happened to me since one of the main reasons why I did a degree in nursing was so that I could do missions work. Money has always been the main issue for me with going on these trips. But everything lined up right for me to go. My Dad told me that as a grad/birthday/Christmas gift, he would pay for me to go on a vacation somewhere. The rest of my class is going to Mexico on an all-inclusive resort for a week. I could have easily gone. But I'm so sick of wasting my money of frivolous and superficial things such as shopping and drinking. This would be so much more worthwhile.

I prayed to God, crying with pain. Why? God, why? Why do I feel this way? Why is this happening to me? I hate the floor I'm working on. I feel overworked, not paid or gratified enough for what I do. I have no job yet and I am in over my head in debt. I prayed so hard. And this opportunity came up for me to go away.

I will continue to pray more. As bleak as it seems, I know God is not going to fail me. He's allowed me to go into nursing for a reason. He's gotten me this far for a reason. He's going to take me to where I need to go next.

Just have to have a little faith.

:)

Beauty loves.

I'm taking a break from the stress of job applying to lament on things which I love and find beautiful. These are some of my top beauty faves:

1. Thick eyebrows.

That's right, put down those tweezers. Thick eyebrows are making a come-back. They are very European, very natural and very easy to maintain. Pencil-thin eyebrows are so out.



2. Freckles

I know so many girls who hate their freckles and even wear oodles of foundation to cover up their freckles. These beauty specks are all the rage in fashion. They add a sparkle to anyone's face and in my opinion, a sign of pure beauty.



3. Natural, curly hair

If you hair is naturally straight, then it's naturally sraight. But if your hair is naturally curly, let those curls go wild, child! Put down the straighteners and go with your natural do.



4. "No makeup" makeup

All you need is some mascara, concealer to cover dark circles / acne, pressed powder in your skin tone and a nude lip balm. Alexis Bledel pulls this look off beautifully.



5. Virgin hair color

Aka. never-been-dyed. Not only are the harsh chemicals of hair dye harmful to your hair over time, they're very harmful to your body and the environment. However, if you do feel like your hair color does need a boost, watch these youtube tutorials on how you can amplify your natural color using natural ingredients from your kitchen(for brunettes. for blondes. for redheads). Also, using products like henna can give you that instant change without exposing your body to the harmful chemicals contained in hair dye.




6. Long, Rapunzel hair or short, Tinkerbelle hair

This season's hottest hair styles incorporate two extremes. Long flowing tresses or pixie-short. Be careful, always ask for advice from a hair-styling professional before you decide to chop it all off. Very short hair is not complimenting to all face structures. Likewise with very long hair. Most girls can pull off very long hair, but for the select few, it is again, best to seek the advice of a hair professional before you decide to let your hair grow out or get extensions.




There you have it :)

Naive and Optimistic

So, I've been praying a lot lately about what I'm going to do with my life in these upcoming months. All I feel God telling me to do is stay strong and keep a positive attitude. It seems enough, but it's hard most of the time. Right now, my main objective is to get a job and hopefully, get out of Newfoundland. It's not happening as soon as I thought though. So far, I have had zero interviews even though I applied for a handful of jobs. But I know that actually getting the job is in God's hands. All I can do is be hopeful and try my best.

I felt very confident today. I used to be very self-conscious about my appearance before. I would cake on makeup and spend hours trying to look "perfect". Today, I threw on a cropped sweatshirt and jeans and the only makeup I wore was some lip stain. I felt confident in wearing hardly any makeup. You don't have to look like Barbie to feel beautiful. Beauty is feeling comfortable in your own, natural skin.



I'm calling it an "early" night. Lots to do tomorrow. I'm setting daily goals for myself so I don't get stuck in a rut. Meeting at the Career Development Centre, gym, revamping my cover letter and resume, and applying for more jobs. Oh, and looking up articles for my assignment and practicing piano.

Good-night, blogworld.

What Next? Part 3

So, I return with the third part of my story. Anyway, all last semester, I dealt with my pain in such as horrible way. Then, towards the end of the semester, early November, my grandfather passed away. I think that was the catalyst to really make me crumble. The only person I felt I could really go to in the midst of my emotional mess, was Matt.

I was a complete and utter emotional wreck. I took Matthew back a month before Christmas. Things were fine, and still are fine, but I feel helpless still.

I think I've completely lost my mind and respect from everyone. I'm so confused. I lack so much trust. I have so much insecurity than anyone will ever want me for a relationship in every sense of the word.

I don't feel pretty or smart or valuable.

I'm waiting for some Godly intervention to help me out...

What Next? Part 2

I've been extremely busy and have had a lot going on. Hence, the reason why it's taken me two and a half weeks to post.

Okay, so to finish off my story, and none of you are very surprised to realize that I had been in an unfaithful relationship. I had been cheated on for the first time in my life, and can I just say, for those of you who have never experienced the feeling of being cheated on, I really hope you never feel this. For those of you who have experienced it, you know that it is the worst feeling in the entire world. Not only have you lost something so close and dear to your heart, you also lose a piece of yourself. You feel like there is something really wrong with you? Why did he chose her over me? What does she have that I don't? You feel helpless, worthless, and broken. Self-esteem is completely out the window.

After all this happened, I sat down and re-evaluated my life. What to do now? Where to go from here? I had not been single since I was 19 years old. I didn't know who I was or what I wanted. My entire world had been built up around Matthew and the life I thought he wanted with me. We were planning to move away once I was done school and perhaps get married a couple years after. But now. I had no idea.

We had booked a trip to BC before we broke up, so we decided to continue to go, but as friends. We had alot of mutual friends that lived in BC, so when I did see Matthew, it was with a group. I was very good friends with Matthew's aunts that lived on the Sunshine Coast, just outside of Vancouver. I ended up going on a camping and surf trip with them as well as Matthew. What happened? We talked and decided we would still be friends.

The fall semester, I really wanted to try and find myself. But I did it in all the wrong ways. I never realized how insecure infidelity can make you feel until it actually happens. I wanted to feel justified as a woman. I wanted to feel beautiful. I wanted someone to accept me for who I was. I did the worst thing anyone can possibly do after ending a long-running relationship - look for a rebound.

Well, unfortunately, that is exactly what I did. I casually dated a couple of guys. I did this while staying friends with Matthew, and did not tell him. Of course, he found out on his own and that brought along a whole bag of unneeded drama.

I know what I did was dumb. But coming from this situation, you really don't think about what's good and logical. You think about what you can do to get by. It was my last semester I had in nursing school. I had to have good marks. I did whatever I needed to do to give me the confidence to push through.

I tried going back to church, but I struggled so much with that. I know that people knew where I had come from. I was a party girl, in their mind. I left a position as a music and worship leader because I was running back and forth between my Christian-life and my nursing school-social life. I was so afraid of judgment. I felt so ashamed and little by everything I had done. I just wanted to run away and forget everything.


To be continued...

What Next?

So, I'll be honest. I know some people treat this online blog thing like a diary, documenting every major event in their life. I do as well. But I feel like lately, more specifically, the past 7 months, I've been on an emotional roller coaster ride. I have mentioned some things, in brief detail, but I can't say I've fulled expressed every emotion which I've felt inside to sum up how I REALLY feel.

I live in fear that people are going to judge me for making the mistakes I have. Judge me for allowing myself to hit rock bottom.

I'm the type of person that while everything else is burning around me, I put on a mask and pretend that everything for the most part is okay. I think really, that's all you can do. I mean, I was in my final academic semester of my nursing degree. I simply could not afford to let life's problems get in the way of fulfilling my purpose. At the same time though, I did slip. A lot.

I managed to finish my semester with a 4.0 and ridiculously good grades, however, at the end of it, I was completely emotionally exhausted.

If you keep pounding at a brick wall, eventually it does fall down.

I feel like right now, I need to write down everything that has happened to me, every emotion I've been feeling to fully deal with the hurt and pain I've been experiencing. Bear with me. I'm not looking for pity. I'm not looking for a pat on the back. I don't even care if I gain any encouraging words. I just want to express myself in the way I feel is LEAST harmful.

Okay. Here I go, I guess.

Summer 2011 is a mere blur. So much craziness happened within a span of two short months. I was doing relatively okay up until the second week in July. Prior to that, I had been working hard at my preceptorship in general surgery. I turned 23 in May, had a fabulous birthday party and booked a trip in British Columbia for the end of the summer. Matt and I were doing okay, but we weren't the best after I spent living with him the winter while he had a broken back. We thought that going to BC would be an excellent way of strengthening our relationship, and had things not gone as sour as they did, we probably would have had a better relationship. Matt wanted to attend a French camp for 5 weeks in Quebec for half of June and half of July and I was perfectly okay with that. 5 weeks would fly, I thought. I knew I would be busy in preceptorship for the first two weeks he would be gone, and working full time for the last three weeks. Time would surely fly and I would see him soon enough.

For the five weeks he was gone, I did nothing but have lots of fun with my friends. I knew this could have been the last summer I'd spend in Newfoundland for a while, so I wanted to have as much fun as I could. Everything was fine, however, I did find it strange when it was 5 days and I had not heard from Matt. I didn't have long distance on my phone, so I would wait and wait for a phone call, but they never came. Finally, feeling very weirded out by this, I picked up the phone and called the dorm he was staying in. He answered reluctantly and even asked who was calling. I was thinking, well you have no sisters or no other close girl friends, so what other 20-something year old sounding female would be calling you? He was taken back that it was me, and apologized for not calling. "I've been really busy, babe. I'm so sorry." Last time I checked, a phone call can take as much as five minutes of your time. Even an email. Facebook message? But no, nothing. Not one word. I've never been the type of girlfriend to flip out or cause a commotion really, so I just said, "Okay, well it's a bit odd that you haven't called, but at least let me know that you're doing okay."

Part 2 to come..